Transformation into Grumpy Old Lady - Complete

Before we get round to business, why not sit down, get comfortable, take one of the special biscuits I've put on the coffee table for your enjoyment. They aren't an ornament, I don't use plates of biscuits as decoration. I'm just not that kind of person. Take one. TAKE IT! Oooh, a pink wafer, good choice. Now have this very weak cup of tea with full fat milk in a thin china cup with pointy handles and a tasteless floral pattern.

I tried a new body moisturiser today. As a rule, i don't use body moisturiser. It's an extra thing that i don't need in my cleansing routine, what with my excessive amount of hair that needs drying and my almost poetic amount of idleness. Also, I don't see the point of cleaning yourself to whistle standards, then slathering yourself in gloop that will make you dirty immediately. I do have a big bottle of a nice almondy smelling one, but i tend to reserve that for special occasions times when i kid myself that i can get body-wide silky soft skin in one application of lotion. And when i can be bothered.

But this new moisturiser, I thought I'd give it a try. It is one of those ones that build up into a light tan. It's Dove Summer Glow Body Lotion, but i don't know why you would want to know that, this isn't a recommendation. Actually, You do need to know, so you don't make the mistake of buying it. I was lured into the trap by a severely reduced price tag, which should have started alarm bells ringing, but seeing as i was in 'cheap products' mode at Wilkinsons (great shop) after buying my usual 99p shower gel and 38p cotton buds, i wasn't in the right frame of mind. I had been toying with the idea of trying these tanning moisturisers for a while, because my body is not only so white it looks translucent, but I have been wearing summery strappy tops in the sun and now have a rather unattractive jigsaw tan effect. I don't like the idea of full on fake tan, so tinted moisturiser seemed a good compromise. And this Dove stuff was reduced from about £4 to about £1.50, so in the basket it went. I put it on this morning after my shower, and i don't know what they were thinking, but the smell is enough for me to never use it again. If i have to sit here, smelling like this day after day just to build up a tan, I think I'll stay jigsaw coloured. It's a kind of mix of old lady and warm, nearly rancid food. A sickly sweet smell that gets in your nose and gives you a bit of a headache behind your eyes. Urgh. I've just read a few reviews of it on some website, and someone said that it smelled a bit tutti frutti. Has she never smelled tutti frutti? Maybe tutti frutti that had gone off in the corridors of a residential home for the elderly. A nice, fruity, zesty smell, i could work with, in fact, i choose my shampoos etc only on the smell. Herbal Essences and Garnier Fructis are particular winners. But now I'm sat here, smelling of old lady. J is coming over tonight, and I have no time to shower before we go out. And I'm sure he will comment as he doesn't like perfumes or strong smelling things anyway. He said my treasured DKNY Be Delicious smelled of ''gone off melons''. Gotta give him full marks for being specific, if not for tact. It wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't been wearing it at the time. Ah well. No action for me tonight then, toting my Eau du Mildred et Decay Chaud.

Classy.

To top it all, I wanted wavy hair tonight, so I've twisted my hair into two knots on the top of my head, a la Mrs Lovett, but i just look like a nutty church member that's gone a bit mad and wears oversized knitted cardigans in garish colours. Just sooooo sexy.

I wonder when i get my free bus pass....