Monday, 30 November 2009

Day One

Ah, last day of November, nearly time for me to hotfoot it down the shops and get a chocolate advent calender. Yes, I realised I'm 24 years old and should be over such things by now, but in these bleak times you have to find the joy in the little things. Hence the anticipation every morning of 'What will the chocolate be?? What will it be? I think it will be a robin! Yeah, lets go for a robin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh its a cracker! I'll have the choc as a consolation prize....''. The mornings where i actually guess right put me on an unrivalled high all day. Well, most of the morning. Well, until i get to work, usually. If I get it right on a day off, well, I think I'd go sky diving naked out of sheer joy.

Spent this weekend doing a two day craft fair, and you wouldn't believe the wrangling i had to do to get the day off on Saturday from work. Ridiculous. But anyway, it was OK, sold a few bits, but it wasn't as busy as it could have been, mainly due to the inadequate signposting and general grotty weather. Didn't help that there were two really smug traders (one selling stone based jewellery, the other selling scissors) that seemed to be doing quite well, but were complaining that they had 'only' taken about three hundred pounds. At one point, the scissors lady came across to my stall, seemingly for a chat, and asked how it was going. I said it could be better, and she made sympathetic noises and said ''Yeah, we are the same, it's not very good is it? But then a big rush of people came in and we doubled our takings!'' and then she wandered off. Smug cow. Hope she falls and gets impaled on her pair of impossibly big scissors. Anyway, it's all over an done with now, and I can focus on making my Xmas presents, including my contribution to the Santa Paws. That will be this Wednesday's job, and then I can pop it in the post this week! Woo! Am so excited to see what everyone makes!

It has to be said, that apart from my family and friends, I am not a very charitable person. I have all the time in the world for people that i know, and will donate time and effort to help them. Well, the time has come to give back to society on a larger scale. I have often considered becoming an organ donor, but thought that donating my body to medical science would be going a bit far. I also thought that taking part in medical trials would be interesting, but there's always the drawback of having a massive side effect and dying horribly. So, in my own little way, I'm going to test drive what could be a useful drug. On the surface, it may seem that my reasons are selfish, but i assure you it is for the greater good (the greater good*). I am referring to Hoodia, that which has been touted as an natural appetite suppressant. I think this would work for me (if i does work) because i don't really comfort eat or anything, the only reason i fail at dieting is because i have a huge appetite. I've often wondered whether it works, so I've taken the plunge and i have got about a months worth of capsules. If it works, then hooray! Fat people are saved! If it doesn't then you haven't wasted forty quid on useless diet pills, I have. You see, I'm doing a public service.

Anyway. So i took some last Friday, but i made the mistake of taking one with a boiling hot cup of tea, which i think made the capsule dissolve immediately, and i was left with the most vile taste repeating on me all morning, By dinner time i had to eat something just to get rid of the horrible taste. I then took a couple more later in the day but made the mistake of drinking heavily in the pub, which always makes me very hungry and lowers my willpower, so ended up gorging on Chinese food at about 10pm. So the first day was a complete failure, but i think i will have to cut out alcohol if i am serious about this, as cider has a huge amount of calories anyway. This will be hard on the run up to Christmas, but i think I can do it! So, I shall start with today as Day One of the Hoodia Trials. I'm not hungry yet, and i haven't had any capsules , as I'm still full from my tea last night, which was two massive bacon, sausage and cheese sandwiches. But I shall start taking the capsules as described from 12noon today (one at 9am, one at 12 and one at 5pm) and get back to you tonight on the findings! By Christmas, i will hopefully have lost at least half a stone. I need to, I'm heavier now than i have ever been ever. I look like a suet pudding. Ick.

Random Hot Fuzz reference there.... if you have seen the film, you may chuckle, if not..... see it. It's hilarious.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


Hope you are having a spiffing day!

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Need More Time, Or Superspeed...

My to do list at the beginning of today had about twenty items on it. I have managed to complete one.

Obviously this morning at quarter to seven when my alarm went off, I added another task to the top of the list; sleep a bit more. I then proceeded to have bizarre, vivid dreams that i only have when i am woken up and then doze off again. Gah, why is it necessary to get up in a morning? borders on fascism.

So yeah, my first task was to finish this christening spoon that my mum wanted me to make for my cousins baby. Spent all day polishing, re-polishing, trying to set a stone in it, then trying to put a planished effect on the spoon bowl, the deciding I liked it better smooth....nightmare. I still haven't got it completely finished, so I'll post pictures when it's done. Have got loads of other things to do, and haven't done one. Am off now to Vista print to sort out a batch of business cards. Argh, i really don't have time to go to work!

Monday, 16 November 2009

C.A.A. (Clumsy Arses Anonymous)

My name is Purple Pigeon, and I am a clumsy person.

Not only am I clumsy, but I am the wrong type of clumsy. Much the same as in England we get the wrong type of snow, so that a light dusting renders all transport to a standstill and requires enough grit on the road to concrete the entire surface area of the Moon, whereas Canada seems to get the right kind of snow that enables the entire country to function normally with six foot drifts, only needing to dig out their car before being on their way* (which seems to me to be a great opportunity for massive snowmen/women/penguins everywhere).

If we are to believe the media, clumsiness is an adorable, kooky little personality trait that immediately endears the sufferer to anyone that encounters them. They are generally let off any kind of destructive misdemeanor because they are just so goddammed cute.

I don't have this type of clumsiness.

My type of clumsiness is no less spectacular and destructive, but seems to be met only with disdain and annoyance. Like at work at the jewellery shop, if someone else does something clumsy, like one person that was polishing a ring, it flew out of her hand and hit a florescent strip light, causing it to fall down and break, it is laughed off. If i drop something and break it, I get a stern look and a condescending ''You have to be really careful with things.'' Oh, do i really? Because I was throwing things around on purpose!

I don't know what it is, because i have quite good spatial awareness (I'm great at reverse parking) but i don't seem to have the brain function that stops other people constantly tripping up, knocking things over or dropping things.

Still, they make for amusing stories. Like the time I rolled my mum's car only a few days after getting it fixed after rear ending someone;

Trouble is, they usually end up costing me money. My most recent spectacular misdemeanor happened a couple of weeks ago, when i was staying over at J's. My alarm on my phone went off at about 6.45am, as it does when i have to work. Trouble was, i had left my phone in my bag at the other end of the room. I scrambled out of bed, but the combination of sudden wakefulness and still being a bit drunk from the night before meant that i crashed headfirst into his wardrobe door, then as i crouched down to rummage in my bag for the offending noisy phone, i lost my balance and toppled over into a pile of stuff that he keeps near the door. As well as knocking over his heater, various clanky bottles and cans and a pile of CD cases (all of which conveniently make a horrendous racket when they fall over) i broke the cable that was in his amp by bending the plug bit almost to a right angle. And on top if that, I was naked. Sprawled over sharp things. Dignified. And I still hadn't managed to turn off the alarm. His parents must have thought that his room had been invaded by an epileptic rhinoceros having a fit. Not the best way to start the morning. And where were my adoring glances??? I got told to sit on the bed and not move ever again because i was a liability. Hmmmm, I think he might be right.

So just a quick heads up to anyone out there that encounters one or many of my calamities (mostly the people at work). Yes, I know i have to be careful. Most of the time i try really hard to be careful, and it's tiring. If i do break something, i fix it, or offer to pay for it and/or get another one. Stop talking to me like I'm a flailing spastic. It annoys me more than it annoys you, trust me.

Other little things involve constantly dropping crisps before they reach my mouth, occasionally clipping the curb in the car (note to Mother - I don't need you to give me a detailed lecture about how to drive a car every time this happens), or if it's a special occasion, spilling entire pints in pubs. I also hurt myself almost daily. Though i do enjoy a good bruise. It's like a medal.

Obviously I must learn how to be adorably clumsy, instead of annoyingly clumsy. Notice how i don't want to learn how to just NOT be clumsy. I've tried. I failed.

*I apologise to my fabulous Canadian readers for my gross generalisations, but it was either that or infer that you are all burrowing mole people and in the winter you travel via a network of tunnels hollowed out under the snow. To be honest, i think both misrepresentations put you in a good light.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

A little piggy with a big personality

Oh dear, another horrendous gap between posts! Will have to try harder. Think I will try and blog at work in my dinner hour, as i seem to be busy the rest of the time. Recently it's been getting xmas gifts, making bits and bobs like a christening spoon for my cousin's baby, going to work, and generally keeping on top of the mountains of stuff i need to store in my room, and trying not to die in a sketchbook/DVD/clothes related avalanche disaster.

Now, bit of sad news. In the past few weeks, My oldest two guinea pigs have been showing signs of getting old, with Gizmo of them losing hair and bleeding randomly. Splot started losing hair too, but i think that's because my youngest two have been nibbling her hair. Anyway, at four years, they aren't really that old, but Gizmo was getting thin, going bald and bleeding from her back end. I took her to the vet, who was irritatingly clueless about the whole thing and charged me £18 just to say ''I don't know whats wrong, see how she goes.'' (See how she goes, what a stupid thing to say. She's bleeding randomly, that's how it's going to go, it's a pretty drastic symptom. Silly cow). I did a bit of research, and I reckon it was ovarian cysts. The hair loss seemed to point at a hormonal thing, anyway. So we potter along and she seems to be well enough in herself. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, when the weather gets cold. I fought tooth and nail for my mum to let me keep the old two in the house over the winter, as they would normally be ok in my shed, but as they are bald, they wouldn't be able to cope with it dropping to below ten degrees. I brought them in for a couple of nights, but my mum kicked up such a fuss about the smell. It wasn't a dirty smell, no, she couldn't stand the smell of FRESH hay and sawdust. So, after much arguing, she made me put them back in the shed, and gave me a piece of tarp to put over the cage, convinced it would keep them warm. WTF???

So the next day, I go into check on them after work, and Gizmo is draped over the food bowl, freezing cold, having died. On reflection, it MIGHT not have been the cold that killed her, it's possible it was her underlying illness, but the cold didn't help, and if it was her illness, I would have much rather her die warm and comfortable. But no, Mum knows best. Like fuck.

She lectures me that i don't look after them properly, because i don't clean them out precisely when she wants me to, but when it comes down to it, she won't do anything that will actually help them.

But anyway, away with such bitterness. RIP Gizmo, she leaves best friend and lesbian lover Splot, and is now buried under a conifer in the back garden. Hopefully guinea pig heaven has lots of dandelion leaves and rustly bags to squeak at. Night night, sausage x