C.A.A. (Clumsy Arses Anonymous)

My name is Purple Pigeon, and I am a clumsy person.

Not only am I clumsy, but I am the wrong type of clumsy. Much the same as in England we get the wrong type of snow, so that a light dusting renders all transport to a standstill and requires enough grit on the road to concrete the entire surface area of the Moon, whereas Canada seems to get the right kind of snow that enables the entire country to function normally with six foot drifts, only needing to dig out their car before being on their way* (which seems to me to be a great opportunity for massive snowmen/women/penguins everywhere).

If we are to believe the media, clumsiness is an adorable, kooky little personality trait that immediately endears the sufferer to anyone that encounters them. They are generally let off any kind of destructive misdemeanor because they are just so goddammed cute.


I don't have this type of clumsiness.


My type of clumsiness is no less spectacular and destructive, but seems to be met only with disdain and annoyance. Like at work at the jewellery shop, if someone else does something clumsy, like one person that was polishing a ring, it flew out of her hand and hit a florescent strip light, causing it to fall down and break, it is laughed off. If i drop something and break it, I get a stern look and a condescending ''You have to be really careful with things.'' Oh, do i really? Because I was throwing things around on purpose!


I don't know what it is, because i have quite good spatial awareness (I'm great at reverse parking) but i don't seem to have the brain function that stops other people constantly tripping up, knocking things over or dropping things.


Still, they make for amusing stories. Like the time I rolled my mum's car only a few days after getting it fixed after rear ending someone;

Trouble is, they usually end up costing me money. My most recent spectacular misdemeanor happened a couple of weeks ago, when i was staying over at J's. My alarm on my phone went off at about 6.45am, as it does when i have to work. Trouble was, i had left my phone in my bag at the other end of the room. I scrambled out of bed, but the combination of sudden wakefulness and still being a bit drunk from the night before meant that i crashed headfirst into his wardrobe door, then as i crouched down to rummage in my bag for the offending noisy phone, i lost my balance and toppled over into a pile of stuff that he keeps near the door. As well as knocking over his heater, various clanky bottles and cans and a pile of CD cases (all of which conveniently make a horrendous racket when they fall over) i broke the cable that was in his amp by bending the plug bit almost to a right angle. And on top if that, I was naked. Sprawled over sharp things. Dignified. And I still hadn't managed to turn off the alarm. His parents must have thought that his room had been invaded by an epileptic rhinoceros having a fit. Not the best way to start the morning. And where were my adoring glances??? I got told to sit on the bed and not move ever again because i was a liability. Hmmmm, I think he might be right.

So just a quick heads up to anyone out there that encounters one or many of my calamities (mostly the people at work). Yes, I know i have to be careful. Most of the time i try really hard to be careful, and it's tiring. If i do break something, i fix it, or offer to pay for it and/or get another one. Stop talking to me like I'm a flailing spastic. It annoys me more than it annoys you, trust me.

Other little things involve constantly dropping crisps before they reach my mouth, occasionally clipping the curb in the car (note to Mother - I don't need you to give me a detailed lecture about how to drive a car every time this happens), or if it's a special occasion, spilling entire pints in pubs. I also hurt myself almost daily. Though i do enjoy a good bruise. It's like a medal.

Obviously I must learn how to be adorably clumsy, instead of annoyingly clumsy. Notice how i don't want to learn how to just NOT be clumsy. I've tried. I failed.

*I apologise to my fabulous Canadian readers for my gross generalisations, but it was either that or infer that you are all burrowing mole people and in the winter you travel via a network of tunnels hollowed out under the snow. To be honest, i think both misrepresentations put you in a good light.