Day Fourteen

Yes kids, The day we have all been waiting for is finally here! Forget Christmas and New Year! This is the most important holiday of the year, and one that I know you have been preparing for all year. It is, of course, ICE CREAM AND VIOLINS DAY!

How you enjoy your ice cream and violins is up to you. You can enjoy them separately, or at the same time. It's entirely up to you.

My favourite ice cream at the moment is a Magnum Double Caramel, that has a layer of chocolate, then a layer of caramel and then a layer of thicker chocolate round the ice cream. Heaven. Previous favourites have included a Feast, a Zap, and Somerfield's own brand banana and toffee ice cream. Mmmmm.

I can't say that i have a favourite violin, apart from the imaginary one that i play when someone comes to me with a particularly whiny self-pitying story.

I did, however, find a quite horrific and disturbing image when searching for pictures of ice cream. If you have a sensitive nature, look away now:

Danial Craig fashioned in purple ice. How wrong is that? Even wronger is where his hands would be if they finished sculpting them. Weird. Now, I'm not a fan of Danial Craig, but even if i was, I wouldn't find this appealing. I suppose some giggly concept artist somewhere thought it would be fun to be able to lick his torso. Two things wrong with this. Firstly, the coldness would make this similar to licking a corpse, and i don't think anyone save from the most hardened fetishist would be looking for that in a refreshing summer treat, and secondly, yeah, you would get to lick his torso, but a tiny miniature version that has no legs with a stick shoved up his arse, that would eventually blunt down til you are licking what looks like a severely disabled burns victim, and at some point you will end up with a headless torso. At this stage, it seems more like a voodoo doll fashioned in ice. Hard to see whether it should be marketed towards people that love Danial Craig, or hate him. Just weird all round.

Boring bit now. Diet update. After sticking at the same weight for about three days despite eating only salad, I'm trying something that has weirdly worked in the past - Eating a lot for a day. I suppose it boosts the metabolism for a bit. Was going to go out last night and get a takeaway after, but J had a random relapse of his bad back, poor chickie, so we just went down to the pub for a couple of pints. The plan was that we would get back and order a pizza, but when we got back and rang the pizza delivery, they told us that they had stopped delivering 20 mins ago. Feckers. So in the end we fashioned a snack of cheesy garlic bread out of two frozen garlic bread baguettes and some Stilton. Mmmm. Then this morning we has bacon and eggs on toast, then I've had a sandwich for dinner, some spaghetti bolognaise for tea, plus a couple of chocolate bars. Am utterly stuffed now. Probably shouldn't have eaten quite so much, but hey ho. The next big meal is Xmas! Diet again tomorrow..... Might even go mad and start doing some exercise. I know, I'm that crazy.

Day Twelve

Today, kids, it's National Noodle Ring Day. I knew that would get you excited. Now to save you running off to find out what the hell a noodle ring is, I have kindly found out for you. It is this:

I'm still confused.

Weird day at work today. Although I was dreading going in, I actually had a good day because I had jobs that needed doing all day and I didn't have to pretend to look busy. It's not that I'm workshy, I just like to feel that I'm making some kind of contribution to the day, and that the things I do are actually worthwhile. Then i accidentally whacked my boss over the head with a plastic box. Spose I had to do something retarded or it just wouldn't be me....

Have managed to get all my Krimble pressies wrapped and ready to go! My room is like a sparkly silver Santa's grotto. Just got to make a few gifts on Sunday and either Monday or Wednesday, and I'm an incredibly smug organised person! Still, I haven't got any of the festive things done that I wanted to do in December, like make gingerbread, or make little gingerbread men tree decorations out of Sculpey. Haven't even put the tree up yet because we are redecorating, and the living room is a jumble of floorboards, dining chairs and other miscellaneous detritus. Boo. Want to get the twinkly lights up! Hardly seems worth putting them up for a week then taking them down again. Ho Hum.

Advent Calender Update; Wednesday was a robin sat on a log, Thursday was a lamb, and today was a toy car. Really weird items, no wonder I haven't got any right yet! Fingers crossed though!

Still on the salad diet, but I think I've hit a bit of a plateau with the weight loss. But never mind, I will persevere!

Day Eleven

Today's national holiday seems to be mocking me in my current hungover state, for it is National Lager Day

I've never been a fan of lager, so i cannot give a full rounded view of the lager world, other to say that I'm glad I don't have to find another picture that makes me very hungry. In fact, I'm feeling a bit of love towards that picture of Stella, as i don't want it and probably never will. Thank you, Ms Artois.

So yeah, my hungover state. As you may recall, it was my friend's birthday yesterday, and as planned, we went out, made merry and watched people murder rock songs. Then it all went a bit pear-shaped. I had four double vodka and diet cokes, and those on top of a week of salad made me very drunk very quickly. In our inebriation we decided to go to a club, and ended up queuing for ages in the rain. Then, just as we were about to get in, i threw up, so the bouncers wouldn't let us in, and we had to get a taxi home. And on the way home i had to get the taxi to stop so i could throw up again. I think i totally screwed up the night.

Then, this morning, I just couldn't face going into work, hungover, and be made to feel like a cretin all day, so my Ma phoned in sick for me. So I'm going to wrap all my xmas pressies in a bit, and do some washing. And try not to think about going to work tomorrow.

Day Ten

Merry Pastry Day everyone! As there are many types of pastry, such as filo, choux, shortcrust, flaky and puff pastry, I shall choose a product that uses pastry in the best way possible:

The cheese and onion pasty from Greggs. Mmmmmmm. The only thing better would be a cheese and broccoli pasty from Cooplands. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I suppose that being the Yuletide season I could have chosen a mince pie, but i don't like mince pies. Get off my blog, Mince Pie!!

Had a browse through the list of holidays to see if there is any day i can celebrate with gusto, what with now being a hippy salad eater, and i was pleased to discover Spinach Day (26th March), Salad Month (May), Caesar Salad Day (July 4th, nice Independence Day lunch there) and most delightfully, International No Diet Day (May 6th) and Eat What You Want Day (May 11th). I rather liked Sundae Sunday (Third Sunday in July), Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Omelette Day (July 9th), Beans 'n' Franks Day (July 13th, fantastic, my car Frank can join in!), Grab Some Nuts Day (August 3rd), International Banana Festival (Sept 21st), Mouldy Cheese Day(Oct 9th) and Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day (Nov 9th). Other than that, it seems to be a massive menu of stuff to give you a heart attack by just reading the name of it. My birthday is Eggs Benedict Day and Day of the Mushroom. I don't even know what Eggs Benedict is. That's rubbish. I also hate mushrooms, but i do like how it has been phrased to sound like a cheesy horror film. Nice. Maybe that's what my film should be called!

Advent calender update - Yesterday it was a Toy Soldier. I guessed a stocking. I think the challenge is on with this advent calender, the chocs are really random! Haven't opened today's yet, will keep you posted.

Have already reached my half stone weight loss goal in a mere ten days. I know this was the target for the end of the month, so my salad must be doing the trick! Bearing in mind I'm going to gorge on Xmas day, so I need some cushion room here. Though the first half stone is always the easiest, it's from here that it will get difficult.

It's my best mate's birthday today (Pastry Day, good going!) so tonight we are going to go to a rock bar in town, and laugh at people attempting karaoke to rock songs. Until you've seen some delusional goth attempting a Rage Against the Machine song, you haven't seen the meaning of 'piss your pants funny'.

Spose I'd better go and do some work now. Enjoy the rest of your Pastry Day with your favourite pastry product!

Day Nine

Happy Chocolate Brownie Day!! Mmmmmm, chocolate brownies. I never used to like chocolate brownies, mainly because the first time i had any was in ice cream, and i was expecting something crunchy, and i didn't like the stodginess. So I avoided them until someone bought me a wrapped chocolate brownie, and it felt rude to refuse it, so i ate it, and oh my god, it was lovely! I've clearly been depriving myself all these years! No time to make up for it now, though, I'm thinning.

Brought a salad with me today for dinner at work, but for some reason my mum thought she would order me a cheese and broccoli pasty. Yes, it's my favourite, but she knows I'm on a diet, so what did she think would happen? I'm fed up of her thinking she can advise me on what i can eat, when all she does is say ''You can have this, this is allowed'' while talking about pizza or something. Then she incessantly asks me ''Are you sure you don't want any? Are you sure? Are you sure?'' Seriously, dieting would be so much easier without a crazed mother trying to force food down my throat. She then calls my dieting ''Being silly''.

Mum: ''Do you want any pizza/pasta/insert high calorie food here?''

Me: ''No, I'm alright thanks.''

Mum: ''You aren't being silly again, are you?''

Why don't you just fuckety fuck off?

By the way, I must credit Marius with my current obsession with American Food National Holidays. He mentioned in a recent post about what other holidays were in December other than Krimble, and Ice Cream and Violins Day was one of them. It's still my favourite. Bring on the 13th!! Thanks Marius, for bringing it to our attention!

That picture is making me weep with hunger and desire.

Day Eight

Exciting developments all round today!

Firstly, I'd like to wish everyone a happy National Cotton Candy Day!! Bah, Americans have such better national holidays than us, there's a food one for every day of the year, for a start! I'll be introducing a few of them to you over the coming month. Ironically, in the month that I am dieting. And i can assure you, there is not National Salad Day in December. So, a bit about cotton candy. Of course, over here it's called candyfloss, but seeing as it contains neither cotton nor dental floss, neither nation can claim that their name is 'correct'. Perhaps a place in Central Europe call it 'ColouredFluffySugar' and can claim name accuracy. Probably the Belgians.

Ok, on to other things. I have finally got an advent calender!! WOOOOO! My mum found a Toy Story one somewhere, and so I am extremely over-excited about it. Today I guessed that the chocolate would be a stocking. It was a weird looking shepherd. I didn't mind. I'll get it right at some point! I get to eat the chocolate anyway.

Had a nice weekend going to my chum's house for bowling, a curry and much drinking. Though he lives about an hour and a half away, and it was raining heavily so i was driving slower, and I took a wrong turning somewhere and ended up adding 45 minutes to the journey. There was then a mix up with the bowling cuz they had to start without me and J, but my grumpy mood eventually evaporated when my friend showed me a toy dispenser that had Care Bears in it, so I got three little Care Bears (Wish Bear, Bedtime Bear and Cheer Bear), and then I won the one bowling game me and J played, and then went for our curry. I say curry, everyone else had a curry, I had an omelette cuz i was dieting. Still couldn't finish it, I was very full after just the omelette! No room for the chips! Then we went back to my friends house, got drunk, much merriment was had. Drove back home in the morning a lot faster than we got there!

I have completely dispensed with the hoodia. I just don't need it. Eating two salads a day seems to suppress my hunger enough. In fact, at this point, I'm not hungry at all. Sure, I'd eat a burger if it was put in front of me and i wasn't on a diet etc etc, but that would be because I would really want it, not because I've got hunger pangs. Will hold onto the hoodia in case i need it in the future, ie when I've been eating salad for a month and my body rebels and I need an addition to any willpower, but to be honest, I still don't know if they work or not. Salad alone seems to stop me being hungry. Who knows. Who knows what the nose knows? I don't.

But the main news of today is that I have finished my Krimble shopping! It was such a strange experience finding everything that i wanted, and if i didn't, I easily thought of an alternative. Makes me think that I've got a particularly frustrating day coming up to restore the karma. Or that this day was to make up for loads of recent crappy days. Either way, I'm not complaining. Couple of moments I'd like to share with you though. One, I was waiting behind a bloke at a cash machine, and i don't think he knew i was there, and when he had got his cash, he turned round and saw me and said 'Cheers' like he was thanking me for....what? Not barging him out of the way? Mugging him? Stealing his identity? Weird. Two, I was in the supermarket and I had just bought a load of spirits and wine for xmas gifts, and the total was over £100. I tried to have a chuckle with the the cashier and said ''Well, if only the people I am buying my presents for weren't drinkers! It would be so much cheaper!'' and she just sort of smiled and said ''Well, if you know what they want, you could buy them throughout the year...''. Yes, Cocky Cashier Lady, in a perfect world I could. Wait, scratch that, I could make everyone homemade wine and jam and biscuits and give everyone a lovely Xmas hamper. I could wear a 50's style polka dot dress and an apron and be magical and perfect in every way..... no wait, that's right, I have a job and a life and don't spend my year planning for one single day in December! I thought i was doing pretty well getting everything done for early December, but no, I'm just a cretin! Bitch.

Another thing that was weird about that transaction was that on Friday i bought a bottle of Baileys for my friend for her birthday, and I was asked for ID (I didn't have any on me, but she sold it to me anyway. So the point in asking was....?), whereas today I bought nine bottles of spirits and wine, and i wasn't asked for ID. Apparently I don't look old enough to buy a small bottle of luxury Irish cream liqueur that was the strength of a bottle of wine, but i look old enough to buy enough whiskey and vodka to easily drink myself to death. I suppose I've just got that kind of face....

Anyway, enjoy Cotton Candy Day, and don't eat so much that when you go on the rollercoaster you vomit blue on the geeky kid in front of you.

Day Four; Surprising

Yeah, so, after a day like today I would normally plunge face first into a hot and cheesy bread and meat based meal (get your mind out of the gutter, I know that sounds horrendously wrong!).

First off, it's cold, so I always want a hearty meal to warm my cockles. Second, depressing day at work. Everything I did ended up getting undermined by my boss, like i didn't know what the hell I was doing. Third, a customer stayed an hour and ten minutes after closing time, so i couldn't go home til he finally left (the bosses don't help by not even mentioning that he was keeping the shop open way past closing). So now I'm grumpy. One thing that cheered me up is the fact that a gift i ordered for J has finally arrived, after one from eBay got lost in the post and this thing (something to do with Ireland) could only be bought from people in America. Very weird. I finally got it from a website devoted entirely to Irish souvenirs, based in Ohio. Tres bizarre!

But I had loads of things that i wanted to get done tonight, and now it's quarter to eight, and I don't think they are going to get done til Sunday now. Bloody customer taking up my whole evening! Grrrr.

But yeah, today is surprising because after such a grievous day, I'm not really hungry. All I've eaten is two salads. And when i say salad, I don't mean Caesar salad or something exotic, I mean a bowl of lettuce with a tomato, a bit of cucumber and a slight drizzle of low calorie salad cream, or a blob of Branston Pickle. Just not hungry. And I'm not even taking the hoodia. Had a couple before i went to bed last night to slave off any morning hunger pangs, but not been hungry all day. Maybe it's a cumulative effect of a few days of sporadic hoodia, or my body has got used to eating a couple of salads a day. Either way, I'm not arguing!