Pigeonish

Worried now...

2010-05-25T02:38:00.000-07:00

My baby is having an operation today! Poor little thing! She won't know whats going on, why I've left her with strange folk, why they are sticking her with needles and things... gotta wait til 2.30pm til i can go and rescue her...

She's got her giraffe toy to keep her company, even though she's torn a leg and an arm off it. Going to go and get on with some wallpaper scraping, even though my head feels like a bus has hit it. Seems like now all the infection and swelling has gone, I'm left with a face full of bruising. Nice.

Roll on half 2!

2010-05-22T01:34:00.000-07:00

Argh, my face has got worse instead of better! It cheekily got a bit better, and i thought i was on the road to recovery, but now iv developed sinusitis and it feels like my head is going to pop. Had a bad night, and now I'm sat with a cold flannel on my head, taking antibiotics, ibruprofen and paracetamol, waiting for the misery to end. Plus we have builders in the house, sawing and drilling and hammering their little socks off, so that's adding to my pounding head. PLUS the sunny weather has just kicked in and I'm hiding away. Buggeringtons!! Though, as a chucklesome bonus, the antibiotics that the Doc has prescribed are also used to treat gonorrhea, so now I'm definitely VD free!

Im now going to go and watch Volume 1 of Season five of Supernatural, and hope the lovely sight of Dean will soothe my face. Volume two is out in July. Woo!

2010-05-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

Urgh, hate being ill. Turning into a snivelling, coughing, phlegmy person. I seem to be harbouring PVA glue in my face. Thankfully I'm at the point now where i can breathe at night,but im still coughing up globs of unspeakable green gunge, and making the most horrifically revolting noise when i sniff.

I hope you aren't eating while reading this. That would be unfortunate.

I'm going to have a little rant now.

On Saturday, i went to a park with my Dad, brother and Frankie. It was a big touristy park, that made lots of money from parking charges, overpriced tat and overpriced food. As it was a sunny day, it was quite busy, mostly with people with kids and people with dogs (some nutters had both). We had a nice time, looking at massive swans and wandering round very structured 'woodland' paths, ignoring people squealing ''oooh a sausage dog!''. Eventually we got to the gift shop (yes, a gift shop at a park....), and as i like a bit of tat, we headed in. Out of courtesy to the shop owners,but mostly because people bumble about and don't look where they are putting their feet, i picked Frankie up. After about ten mins of looking around the shop, i took something to the cashier to pay. In a rather brainy move, they had put the cashier in a sweet shop section. As i was about to put my item on the counter, the cashier chirped ''Sorry, we don't allow dogs in here!''. I literally turned my body so that Frankie (still on my arm, so she wasn't infecting any of their produce anyway) wasn't in the sweet shop section, and that was apparently fine. Moron. I think people just re-enforce rules without even knowing why. Obviously you don't want a dog in a food shop, it might not be toilet trained, plus they might slobber on the lower level shelves etc, but there was no chance of that, Frankie was on my arm, and i don't think that foot of air space between where she was allowed and where she wasn't allowed made any difference at all.
So after that, we went into another gift shop. I was good, i checked to see if there was a 'no dogs' sign. If there was, i would have respected that, but there wasn't. I checked to see if there was food products. Nope, ok there. So i picked her up and went in. After browsing the really overpriced stuff for about 10 mins, a snotty fat woman ambled over and said ''sorry, we don't allow dogs'' in a really nasty tone. Cow face. So i put down what i was looking at and walked straight out. Just lost a customer there. What annoys me is that people let their kids run around the shop, picking stuff up, and they were probably grubbier than my dog, yet that was fine, but a tiny dog not doing anything was apparently not allowed. Had i been in the right frame of mind, i would have questioned the cow face, but to be honest, if they are so stupid not to realise that they are alienating about half their customer base by being so anal, they don't really deserve my custom.

I would much rather eat in a restaurant that had people with a quiet dog at the next table, than someone with noisy kids that flinging their food everywhere and won't shut up and keep still.

At least Frankie is petrified of kids, and won't let them stroke her. I don't want them to, i don't know what diseases they have.

So anyway, rant over. I'm going to my shed now.

2010-05-11T02:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, the heady days of December and September, when i managed 13 posts, unlike April, which has a grand total of three. Gripping stuff. My lack of postage isn't really anything to do with being busy, but is more to do with not having much to blog about. I left my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then I've been going through a kind of productive activity inertia. All I've done is veg out, go out drinking, eat food and buy crap off the net (Season 1-3 and part one of season 5 of Supernatural.... i feel a marathon coming on!). Which i can't really afford to do, being jobless with a finite amount of cash in the bank. Ho hum.

Had lots of Frankie time though, which is nice, though grotty English summer weather has kept walks to a minimum. We have this great walk that is about three miles through countryside, and when it rains it just turns to bog. And the Frankster's legs are too ickle to be wading through bog. She doesn't even like padding through a stream! Though the 'Summer' has meant the grass has sprung up, and we can play Hide the Dachshund

The trouble with spending so much time alone is that i end up inside my own head a lot and end up over-thinking things (surely not, i hear you laugh. You can shush!). Mostly it's been arguments over food (in my own head), and my desire to be a stick insect conflicting with my desire to eat food...yummy fooood.... The thing is, I'm going to a rock festival (Download baby!!) in about a month, and one part of me thinks if i eat nothing for a month, i might be a bit thinner. The other part of me thinks ''So the fuck what? If someone that would be attracted to me weighing a stone less isn't attracted to me weighing a stone more, well clearly they aren't worth it.''. Anyhoo, after much to-ing and fro-ing, I've bought my skinny black jeans (that i have to starve myself for about two months to fit into) in a larger size, plus I've bought some gorgeous floaty pixie hemmed dresses, so boo-ya extra stone!! I'm having a burger!

Other than that, I'm trying to get more jewellery made, but it's just not happening. I think it's a psychological thing more than anything, plus i just hate polishing for hours and hours, getting filthy, to get firestain off silver. Sometimes i despair at me, cuz i hate going to work, yet i won't knuckle down and work for myself.... i need to get a grip. Ok, plan for the day, get showered, get to the shop and buy groceries, take the doggie for a walk, then settle down and finish a pendant that i started, then move onto my lockets! It's a plan!

A Small Announcement

2010-04-16T09:42:00.001-07:00

It's my birthday!!! wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dear Lottery, Could Do With a Win....

2010-04-07T06:52:00.000-07:00

I know I said there would be a locket picture, but clearly I'm a big porky pie liar! I've finished the locket, and taken a picture, but transferring the picture onto my netbook means I would have to turn on my PC, put the pic from my camera onto there, then put it on a USB stick, then putting on my netbook. Call me idle, but i just can't be bothered at the moment. I'll make a few more lockets and then have a group of pictures. Quite chuffed with myself that i managed to make one with a fully functioning hinge and clasp. It means I have no excuse not to take over the world with lockets!! My next project is a heart shaped one with a piece of quartz inside.

Have paid out a fortune recently getting my car roadworthy. I hate MOT and tax time. Unfortunately with this car, it has turned out that everything needs doing a couple of weeks before my birthday, so my celebrations will be financially sparse! Paid £109 to have it serviced and MOTed (it failed), then another £35 to sort out art of what was wrong with it, then £70 for two new tyres, and the bloke at the tyre place has advised that i replace the other two tyres, but i am in no way paying out another 70 quid when i don't need to. Add to that another £68 to tax it, and I'm seriously skint! Really need to find a new full time job, pronto, or miraculously sell a load of my jewellery. Which i don't think will happen! I'm now snatching a bit of time to blog with a cup of tea and a bit of TV, before i go and get my car retested at 4pm. Thankfully, after that, that will be the end of the car expense for another year. I'm planning to move in with my friend when she goes to uni in September, so if i can get a job close enough to our house, i might dispense with a car all together. I know i love having the freedom of a car, but i think having more money will be more important when i move out!

After i got my tyres replaced, i ''popped'' into the brand new massive Tesco near the tyre place. ''Popped'' being an overly optimistic term to describe the process of visiting this monstrous venue. I only wanted some WKD Core cider (like Appletiser but alcoholic - delish!) but i got sucked into the gigantic aisle upon aisle of crap that i don't need for for some reason i found myself wanting. Camping stuff, gardening stuff, kids toys (i love kids toys... completely lost on kids, they don't appreciate them!), so i ended up wandering around, completely dazed, realising that if i made a wrong turn somewhere, it was a massive trek to get back to where i wanted to be. Crazy. Who needs that much choice in a shopping experience? Most people that i saw were just fatties loading up with bread, milk, sweets and processed frozen meat products. They weren't interested in the exotic fruit section or the whole aisle devoted to shower gel. Madness. Though even after all that choice, it didn't do me much good. Yes, they had WKD Core, and a large selection of other bottled ciders, but not my favourite, St Helier Pear Cider. Oooooh, its like drinking nectar!

My mum is starting to get annoyed with Frankie. Although she is slowly learning what is acceptable behaviour, she still sometimes makes mistakes because she is a little puppy, and i challenge you to find a toddler that is perfectly behaved with full control of it's bowels. Most of the time though, when she does something wrong, like running off with something she isn't supposed to, my mum just shouts at her and yells 'No!' a lot. Which never works. She then says she needs training and is badly behaved. Strange, when i tell her to do stuff in a way she understands, she mostly does it. True, she does like to run off with something new and chew it, so the only way to distract her and get her to drop it is to get her attention with a treat, and then give her the treat when she drops what she has got. Simple. She doesn't understand English, so why would she respond to the confusing mass of commands my mum gives her? I mean, she has learned so much already, like going to the toilet outside (with the occasional accident when no one lets her out), sleeping in her crate, fetching, waiting for her food til i tell her she can have it, leaving a treat on the floor til i tell her she can have it, plus lots of other behaviours that make life much easier. But because she isn't a robot, my mum gets annoyed with her. Ho hum, will be moving out in the Autumn!

Gonna go now and get this car retested! Then that will be that!

Lots of things in the Pipeline

2010-04-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

I didn't keep up my pledge of more posts did i? I think it's been due to sadness based lethargy rather than not having any time. But, hopefully, now the weather is gradually picking up, I've only got a couple more weeks left at my job, I've lost a stone (only another stone to go!) and i've started to get a bit more inspired with my art and jewellery, I'll start getting back to my cheery self.

Just given Frankie a bath, which she didn't agree with!! Though i took her on a muddy walk today and now she smells of aloe vera, so much nicer all round. Tomorrow I'm finishing my first attempt at a locket, which will (with luck) form a basis for my future career in locket making! I've got loads of ideas, and will work my way through them, and people shall buy them in awe! (that last bit is debatable). I'm also going to focus on my painting a bit more, and I'm going to try and find a full time job with a view to finally move out. So lots of options as to which direction my life is going to go in, and absolutely no time to mope about being single. Tomorrow i promise a pic of a nice shiny locket!!

2010-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

A pretty standard day today, save for three occourances that happened within seconds of each other. Very surreal.I took Frankie to town today, because i had to pick up some fishnet tights for tonight (am going to see The Rocky Horror Show tonight - woooo!) and as usual there was a wave of people saying ''that dog is sooooo cute'' as i walked around. A few people even stopped me so they could have a fuss of her. Then, as i was heading back to the car, a small man ran after me and said ''Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you...''. Ah, i thought, a gay man wanting to fuss the dog. (Seriously, the only men that make a fuss of the dog are clearly gay). But then he said ''I'm sorry to stop you, but I think you are really adorable.'' LOL! I thought he meant the dog at first, but no, he meant me. Hahaha it brightened my outing! Then, as i was walking back to the car, i walked past Mini Bouncer, who looked like a small Mafia member, dressed all in black and in sunglasses, and while i was still chuckling at that, i walked into my friend, who was walking about ten feet behind the Mini B, frantically ringing me to tell me that she was walking behind him. Brilliantly random all round!

Having a bad toilet training day with Frankie, as she hasn't done one poo outside today. She did one in her crate at about 1am, and then even though i have been taking her outside all day, she has been witing til my back is turned and done them in the house. Little terror.

Anyway, my sad news while i have been absent from the blog world is that me and J have split up. It wasn't because of any wrong-doing on either part, and i really hope we will stay friends, it's just that i really don't want any children, and he does. It's just one of those things where neither party can be talked around. Ho hum. Obviously i'm gutted, as i love him, but theres no point in staying together because the longer we do, the harder it would be to seperate. Sad times.

But in the interest of not getting melencholic, here's some cute pics of the Frankmeister!

I am alive!!

2010-03-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

hey everyone, i bet everyone has completely forgotten about ole Pigeon! I've mostly been working and looking after Frankie. It's like having a little child that can't be left alone for two minutes, and when she does go to sleep, it's usually on me so i can't do anything, so i usually try and catch a few winks at the same time. And anyway, my computer is squirrelled away in my room, so i have to leave her downstairs. But my dad has just bought me a netbook for my birthday(a few weeks early) so it will be easier to steal time on the net, cuz i can just whip it out! Like now, Frankie has just been giddy all afternoon, and just flopped on my knee, but both she and the netbook are so titchy they can both fit on my knee at the same time. Genius!

I'm toilet training her at the moment and after a few days of spending most of the day outside in the cold, waiting for her to get the message that she has to go outside before she can come inside, she seems to have got the idea. She now goes pretty much as soon as i take her out, so she knows that she needs to go outside, but she still doesn't hesitate to go in the house if she needs to. But as long as we watch her all the time and take her out regularly, the accidents are getting less frequent. Exhausting, but i'm sure it will pay off and she'll get there eventually. Other than that, she's great. She's fun to walk cuz she stays to heel when she's off the lead, though as she gets more confidant she has started running off further and further, so i'm trying to train her out of that before it becomes a habit. She's mastered 'sit' and come when i call her most of the time. She's still defiant and cheeky and puppyish, so even though she knows she's not supposed to chew my best boots, she still runs off with them with a mischievous glint in her eye!

So yeah, just checking back in, will do a more detailed post tomorrow, perhaps with cute Frankie pics!!

A Heads Up

2010-01-28T11:36:00.001-08:00

Just so you know why I have been absent from the blog world recently, here is the reason;

Her name is Frankie, and she's the new love of my life. She is also very needy at this age! Though I'm convinced she is a genius, as she mastered 'fetch' within hours of being home, and she already responds to 'Come!'. Some of the time.

*massive grin!!!*

Away with you, Snow....

2010-01-17T07:00:00.001-08:00

Greetings Pigeon Watchers*, We have finally got rid of the snow! We've had a good old fashioned rain, and now the sun is peeking through! Lovely! Though you wouldn't believe how much stuff is uncovered when the snow melts, our road is littered with all kinds of crap. Though I have finally had chance to clear all the stuff out of my car, and have found half a bottle of vodka under the seat, which i have no idea when i bought it. Or indeed drank half of it and then placed it under my car seat. Such is the nature of vodka.

My mum has confirmed that i can get a dachsie! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! Mega exciting!! There are a few in the local paper, but thinking about it, if i went and got one today it would have nowhere to sleep etc, so I'm going to spend a while getting stuff together for it, researching what vaccinations etc puppies need and when, and of course, saving up the cash to buy one (£500 dachshunds are going for... jeez. Though not as much as bulldogs, have seen ads for them for £2000. Insanity). Then, when I'm all prepared, I can start looking for one. Eeeeep, so exciting!

I've also lost a further 4lb since i was last in the blog world, so one more pound and that's half a pesky stone gone! But after the first half stone is when it seems to halt, so I'll have to go and do some working out down at the gym *shudder*.

All this so I can fit into my sexy black jeans.

And the rest of my nice clothes. At the moment I'm living in about two pairs of jeans and large cuddly jumpers and hoodies. Though that may have something to do with the freezing weather.

Anyway, t'ra for now, am off to look at factual websites about dogs and order a training manual. And try not to look at pics of ickle puppies...

*To those of you that haven't seen Where's Wally, i apologise for the random reference. I also commiserate all you Americans that called him Waldo, and never got to snigger when the narrator said ''Greetings, Wally Watchers!'', cuz we all knew he was gagging to say 'willy watchers' instead.

Nice Weather For Penguins....

2010-01-13T06:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, so it's a brand spangly new year then? And apparently we have gone back to an ice age. I think when Dr Who regenerated, he knocked a switch in the Tardis that made the real world revert back to a pre-historic time of snow and ice. I expect to see a mammoth plodding round the corner at any moment.

I have no real excuse for my absence from the blog world, other than the cold is terribly tiring and I've been sorting out my room to get my new bed in. I finally got it delivered yesterday, and put it up and now my room:bed ratio is defiantly leaning towards the bed side of things. It's giant! But very comfy. It means I have to be extra tidy otherwise the debris in my room will just cause a land slip and I shall be forever mummified in a pile of DVDs, cuddly penguins and art based materials. That will be one for the archaeologists of the future to ponder.

But yeah, the main news is this bloody snow. At first, it was exciting, I wrangled Xmas Eve off work because I was snowed in, and I was marvelling at the prettiness, and built another snowpenguin

but now it's not even funny. I haven't seen J since New Years Day, because at first he was snowed in, and now everything has frozen so even though he managed to get to work today, he can't come to mine because all of the roads in my town are sheet ice. I still reckon it's punishment because of people complaining that it's too hot when we get nice weather in summer. Heathen bastards.

In other news, my mum might actually let me get a puppy! I've always said that I'd like to get a rescue dog, but looking at all the rescue sites, most of the dogs are staffies, alsatians and other big or bulldog type breeds. So i know I'm probably feeding the industry of puppy farms and the like, but I'd rather get a dachshund puppy. I've wanted one for years. I don't want to just get a random dog just because I finally can. This may sound bad, but hey ho...... to the Ad-Mag...

I'm also back on the ole diet again, started yesterday. I put on my half stone again, but weirdly, no matter what i eat, I don't tend to go over 11st. Which is all very well, I have a weight that i can stick at and eat what I want, but i don't really want a huge arse as well, so, it's back to the salad. Yay. And I've got a bit of a sore throat and cold coming on, so all I want is comfort food, especially in this freezing wasteland! But I will persevere! I've lost 2lb already, c'mon!

For no reason at all, here's a very cute pic of a dachshund puppy

Day... oh, balls to it!

2009-12-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah, the diet has completely gone schmeckles up, as i have spent since Friday night eating whatever was wandered across my path. As a result I have horrendous indigestion and what can only be food octuplets in my tumbly. It started with having some fired rice from the Chinese after the pub on Friday night, and snowballed into eating masses of gingerbread (might account for the heartburn) cuz my mum is on an epic gingerbread house making marathon. I've also managed to eat much cheese and other calorific products, but balls to it, Diet can start again after Krimble when people aren't trying to pour food down my neck at every juncture. I daren't weight myself though. I may weep.

But onto more cheery things! My Santa Paws gift has arrived! Check it out!

A million thank yous to my Santa Paws Gift Giver!! I opened my package this morning and I was like ''Oh my god! It's Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus!!'' *faints with glee* I have been obsessed with this pigeon ever since I found Pigeon Wants a Hot Dog in a library (yes, I browse the childrens books....what of it?) and cracked up at the pigeon having a massive tantrum because another bird won't share a hot dog with him. I have since been scouring bookshops for any of Mo Willems Pigeon books, but with no luck. AND ONE JUST APPEARED!! *Clutches book and cuddly pigeon and rocks back and forth in hysteria*

Added to that, there is some Hanukkah chocolate coins (mmmmmmm!) and a Santa Pez dispenser with many Pez to put in it! I don't think I have had Pez before (I'm weirdly backward about some things), but when i was a child we used to have very similar sweets called Tabs, which used to fit in Pez dispensers, but i don't think they were called 'Pez' Dispensers, just a random generic name... I shall be venturing forth into the unknown world of the Pez!

And, saving the best for last, there were some exquisite hand crocheted snowflakes:

How absolutely gorgeous are they??? They are far too nice to only display at Christmas, I think they will be permanently hung up in my room. They are so detailed and intricate, they are like lace. Beautiful. A massive thank you to my Santa Paws Sender, and your very talented wife for the snowflakes, I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas!

In other news, I have finally put the Christmas tree up, though that's about if for the Krimble decs, as the house is still in mid-redecorate, with exposed floorboards and everything. Also, in the last day or so, the snow has visited Pigeon Towers with vigour! We might even have the first white Christmas for years! I'm sure I was about 5 the last time that happened. Of course, my best chum and I took full advantage of the snow, and embarked upon a snowpenguin creating mission!

Upon starting the mission, we discovered that the snow wasn't the really good, packing variety that is essential for building, but the really fine powdery kind that is good for looking pretty, soaking through shoes and gloves, buggering up innocent mid-twenties girls attempts to construct cute penguins, and not much else! But we were not to be put off, and so after taking about four times longer than it should have, we proudly completed our family:

The Daddy Penguin is called Trevor, and he is wearing my train driver-esque furry hat, Frou-Frou is the mummy penguin, and she is wearing a beret and what looks like two monocles, and baby peng is Penny, and she is wearing an anime cat hat. Well worth numb fingers and frozen toes!

I have also just finished making J's Krimbaloid pressie, which turned out to be a bit of an epic struggle, as i had loads of rivets to do and they just refused to work. I eventually made them behave and it's all done now! I'll put pics up at some point when I have actually taken some....

All in all, a most fabulous day! I shall now retire to my bed, where I have been so cold these last few nights that I have had to put a microwaved wheat bag on my already-usually-freezing-cold,-but-in-this-weather-there-is-a-very-real-chance-of-frostbite-as-they-get-so-cold-they-keep-me-awake-with-pain feet. Wish I could mircowave my whole bed!

Day Eighteen

2009-12-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

Exciting times kids! Got a special package from Ms Stinkypaw, and obviously I don' t have the willpower to wait til Xmas, so I got stuck in. Check out the stuff!

The cutest ever dachshund, with his own bone in his back pocket! Oh yeah, that's right, he has a back pocket! Some hot chocolate that definitely won't survive til Xmas with this sudden cold snap that we are having (I tell you, I haven't felt my feet in about three days, it's so cold) and in some kind of psychic marvellousness, some maple spread, which I am looking forward to trying on toast! Why psychic? I hear you ask. Well, because today is none other than Maple Syrup Day. Stinkypaw, thank you very much, you are the most fabulous blend, I salute you!

In other news, just spent ages in my workshop trying to rivet something on J's Xmas present that really did not want to be riveted. Blasted thing! Thankfully i finally figured it out, but i was in there til 10pm. Added to that it's started snowing here, and its extremely freezing. Gah, I only want snow when it gets me out of going to work and I can build a snowman/penguin and then come inside to a toasty house, and have a hot cup of tea, eat to toasty, er, toast, and get snuggled up with my favourite young man on a sofa under a duvet and watch films/TV. Mmmmm, sounds like a feverish fantasy.... perhaps one day....

My metabolism boost worked! I skimmed past that pesky pound that i was stuck on with ease this morning! Though now I'm a bit worried because I had a salad for dinner, but then after being cold all day and all evening in my shed, I ate some stew that my mum had left in the kitchen, including a fair few potatoes. Curses you cold weather! Curses! Maybe I have used many calories keeping warm. Last night I couldn't sleep because my feet were so cold. Then this morning I woke up and discovered I could hardly move my shoulder without stabs of pain running down my back, up my neck and arm. It seems to have eased a bit now, but not much. I blame the cold. Bad cold! Will leave all my lights and electrical appliances on tonight in a last ditch attempt to hurry along global warming and make it 20 degrees Celsius tomorrow.

Day Seventeen

2009-12-16T01:42:00.001-08:00

Where is everyone in Blogsville? Not many posts flying about on my feed.... I demand anecdotes, goddammit!

So, today seems to be a national holiday sent from heaven. It is, ladies and gents, National Chocolate Covered Anything Day:

Kind of obvious where my mind went first. Johnny Depp in Chocolat....Johnny Depp in a Chocolate Factory....But criminally, no Johnny Depp actually covered in chocolate. Grr. Google threw up images of women covered in chocolate, but who the hell wants a chocolate covered woman?? Surely women are more obsessed with chocolate than men, ergo, a chocolate covered man would be a more sensible product. I digress....

Apart from the normal chocolate covered things like caramel etc, I particularly like chocolate covered pretzels,

God damn Nestle for stopping selling Pretzel Flipz in this country! They were sooooo delish. Mmmm white fudge.....

Another of my favourites is chocolate covered coffee beans. Crunchy and chocolaty, and a massive sugar and caffeine hit. Gorgeous. Sadly I have trouble getting hold of them, as the only place i know that sells them is Cafe Nero in little tiny boxes.

Onto the more bizarre world of chocolate covered guffery, If you are feeling a bit carnivorous, but also fancy a bit of chocolate, why not try Chocolate Covered Crickets?

Or if that's a bit odd, how about chocolate covered bacon?Or if you are totally mental and find that you like a snack while driving, you could plump for the chocolate covered car, for all your chocolate transport needs.Mmmmm, Chocolaty.

In other, non-chocolate news, I bought my bed! I went momentarily insane and bought a kingsize one of these, regardless of whether it will actually fit in my room.

Nice though. The salesman was called Nigel, and he was a nice chap. Though he did tell me two scary facts about spiders (we were chatting about other nonsense than beds):

1. On average, you have a spider on your bed every 48 hours

2. 5% of all spiders in your house are brought in on your person, like on clothes or bags.

I nearly fainted. I suppose its OK with money spiders, but the thought of a massive monstrous house spider clinging to me is nearly too much to cope with without a panic attack. *shudders*

Day Sixteen

2009-12-15T05:59:00.000-08:00

Well, i apologise for missing yesterday, and the very important holiday that is National Bouillabaisse Day. Of course, I had to look up what bouillabaisse is, and it was a very educational experience. At first, it sounded iffy, as it is essentially a fish soup. ''Mmmm,'' i thought. But then i read further, and the utterly bonkers details came out. It consists of scorpionfish, conger and sea robin, but can also include bream, turbot, monkfish, mullet and silver hake. It also has shellfish and other seafoods such as sea urchins, mussels, spider crabs and octopus. It is then boiled with veg such as leeks, onions, tomatoes, celery and potatoes (the most sensible part of the dish) and flavoured with various herbs and spices like garlic, orange peel, basil, bay leaf, fennel and saffron. And to top off this medley of insanity, it is served with a roulle made of olive oil, garlic, saffron and cayenne peppers on ''grilled slices of bread''. Toast, then.

I can just see me being able to pop down to Asda and getting those ingredients....

But it isn't Bouillabaisse Day anymore, it is National Cupcake Day, or as we call them in England, muffins or buns. I couldn't for the life of me find a picture of what I thought was a cupcake, which was the flat brown bun with the curly white icing in a line across the top. Did i just imagine those?? Anyway, in the absence of a picture of that, here's an equally scrumptious looking offering:

Mmmmmmmmm.

Yeah, so, after my eating day, I put two pounds on, but after eating just a salad yesterday, i have lost one of those pounds again. So we will soon see if my metabolism boost worked. Probably Thursday morning. Fingers crossed. I've eaten my salad for dinner today, plus there was a buffet in the main office where i work, so i had a few bits and pieces like a bit of Stilton, some cheese and pickled onion on a stick (so very English and naff), a cheese twist and a couple of other bits. Didn't go mad. V proud.

Going to go and make an exciting purchase tonight. At 24 years old, I am going to go and buy my first double bed. Jesus, put like that, it sounds really sad.... But finally, some room! Woo!

And finally, another brilliantly crap film to keep your eyes peeled for - Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skYRZ_-RXtk&feature=fvw

Day Fourteen

2009-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

Yes kids, The day we have all been waiting for is finally here! Forget Christmas and New Year! This is the most important holiday of the year, and one that I know you have been preparing for all year. It is, of course, ICE CREAM AND VIOLINS DAY!

How you enjoy your ice cream and violins is up to you. You can enjoy them separately, or at the same time. It's entirely up to you.

My favourite ice cream at the moment is a Magnum Double Caramel, that has a layer of chocolate, then a layer of caramel and then a layer of thicker chocolate round the ice cream. Heaven. Previous favourites have included a Feast, a Zap, and Somerfield's own brand banana and toffee ice cream. Mmmmm.

I can't say that i have a favourite violin, apart from the imaginary one that i play when someone comes to me with a particularly whiny self-pitying story.

I did, however, find a quite horrific and disturbing image when searching for pictures of ice cream. If you have a sensitive nature, look away now:

Danial Craig fashioned in purple ice. How wrong is that? Even wronger is where his hands would be if they finished sculpting them. Weird. Now, I'm not a fan of Danial Craig, but even if i was, I wouldn't find this appealing. I suppose some giggly concept artist somewhere thought it would be fun to be able to lick his torso. Two things wrong with this. Firstly, the coldness would make this similar to licking a corpse, and i don't think anyone save from the most hardened fetishist would be looking for that in a refreshing summer treat, and secondly, yeah, you would get to lick his torso, but a tiny miniature version that has no legs with a stick shoved up his arse, that would eventually blunt down til you are licking what looks like a severely disabled burns victim, and at some point you will end up with a headless torso. At this stage, it seems more like a voodoo doll fashioned in ice. Hard to see whether it should be marketed towards people that love Danial Craig, or hate him. Just weird all round.

Boring bit now. Diet update. After sticking at the same weight for about three days despite eating only salad, I'm trying something that has weirdly worked in the past - Eating a lot for a day. I suppose it boosts the metabolism for a bit. Was going to go out last night and get a takeaway after, but J had a random relapse of his bad back, poor chickie, so we just went down to the pub for a couple of pints. The plan was that we would get back and order a pizza, but when we got back and rang the pizza delivery, they told us that they had stopped delivering 20 mins ago. Feckers. So in the end we fashioned a snack of cheesy garlic bread out of two frozen garlic bread baguettes and some Stilton. Mmmm. Then this morning we has bacon and eggs on toast, then I've had a sandwich for dinner, some spaghetti bolognaise for tea, plus a couple of chocolate bars. Am utterly stuffed now. Probably shouldn't have eaten quite so much, but hey ho. The next big meal is Xmas! Diet again tomorrow..... Might even go mad and start doing some exercise. I know, I'm that crazy.

Day Twelve

2009-12-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

Today, kids, it's National Noodle Ring Day. I knew that would get you excited. Now to save you running off to find out what the hell a noodle ring is, I have kindly found out for you. It is this:

I'm still confused.

Weird day at work today. Although I was dreading going in, I actually had a good day because I had jobs that needed doing all day and I didn't have to pretend to look busy. It's not that I'm workshy, I just like to feel that I'm making some kind of contribution to the day, and that the things I do are actually worthwhile. Then i accidentally whacked my boss over the head with a plastic box. Spose I had to do something retarded or it just wouldn't be me....

Have managed to get all my Krimble pressies wrapped and ready to go! My room is like a sparkly silver Santa's grotto. Just got to make a few gifts on Sunday and either Monday or Wednesday, and I'm an incredibly smug organised person! Still, I haven't got any of the festive things done that I wanted to do in December, like make gingerbread, or make little gingerbread men tree decorations out of Sculpey. Haven't even put the tree up yet because we are redecorating, and the living room is a jumble of floorboards, dining chairs and other miscellaneous detritus. Boo. Want to get the twinkly lights up! Hardly seems worth putting them up for a week then taking them down again. Ho Hum.

Advent Calender Update; Wednesday was a robin sat on a log, Thursday was a lamb, and today was a toy car. Really weird items, no wonder I haven't got any right yet! Fingers crossed though!

Still on the salad diet, but I think I've hit a bit of a plateau with the weight loss. But never mind, I will persevere!

Day Eleven

2009-12-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Today's national holiday seems to be mocking me in my current hungover state, for it is National Lager Day

I've never been a fan of lager, so i cannot give a full rounded view of the lager world, other to say that I'm glad I don't have to find another picture that makes me very hungry. In fact, I'm feeling a bit of love towards that picture of Stella, as i don't want it and probably never will. Thank you, Ms Artois.

So yeah, my hungover state. As you may recall, it was my friend's birthday yesterday, and as planned, we went out, made merry and watched people murder rock songs. Then it all went a bit pear-shaped. I had four double vodka and diet cokes, and those on top of a week of salad made me very drunk very quickly. In our inebriation we decided to go to a club, and ended up queuing for ages in the rain. Then, just as we were about to get in, i threw up, so the bouncers wouldn't let us in, and we had to get a taxi home. And on the way home i had to get the taxi to stop so i could throw up again. I think i totally screwed up the night.

Then, this morning, I just couldn't face going into work, hungover, and be made to feel like a cretin all day, so my Ma phoned in sick for me. So I'm going to wrap all my xmas pressies in a bit, and do some washing. And try not to think about going to work tomorrow.

Day Ten

2009-12-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Merry Pastry Day everyone! As there are many types of pastry, such as filo, choux, shortcrust, flaky and puff pastry, I shall choose a product that uses pastry in the best way possible:

The cheese and onion pasty from Greggs. Mmmmmmm. The only thing better would be a cheese and broccoli pasty from Cooplands. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I suppose that being the Yuletide season I could have chosen a mince pie, but i don't like mince pies. Get off my blog, Mince Pie!!

Had a browse through the list of holidays to see if there is any day i can celebrate with gusto, what with now being a hippy salad eater, and i was pleased to discover Spinach Day (26th March), Salad Month (May), Caesar Salad Day (July 4th, nice Independence Day lunch there) and most delightfully, International No Diet Day (May 6th) and Eat What You Want Day (May 11th). I rather liked Sundae Sunday (Third Sunday in July), Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Omelette Day (July 9th), Beans 'n' Franks Day (July 13th, fantastic, my car Frank can join in!), Grab Some Nuts Day (August 3rd), International Banana Festival (Sept 21st), Mouldy Cheese Day(Oct 9th) and Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day (Nov 9th). Other than that, it seems to be a massive menu of stuff to give you a heart attack by just reading the name of it. My birthday is Eggs Benedict Day and Day of the Mushroom. I don't even know what Eggs Benedict is. That's rubbish. I also hate mushrooms, but i do like how it has been phrased to sound like a cheesy horror film. Nice. Maybe that's what my film should be called!

Advent calender update - Yesterday it was a Toy Soldier. I guessed a stocking. I think the challenge is on with this advent calender, the chocs are really random! Haven't opened today's yet, will keep you posted.

Have already reached my half stone weight loss goal in a mere ten days. I know this was the target for the end of the month, so my salad must be doing the trick! Bearing in mind I'm going to gorge on Xmas day, so I need some cushion room here. Though the first half stone is always the easiest, it's from here that it will get difficult.

It's my best mate's birthday today (Pastry Day, good going!) so tonight we are going to go to a rock bar in town, and laugh at people attempting karaoke to rock songs. Until you've seen some delusional goth attempting a Rage Against the Machine song, you haven't seen the meaning of 'piss your pants funny'.

Spose I'd better go and do some work now. Enjoy the rest of your Pastry Day with your favourite pastry product!

Day Nine

2009-12-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Chocolate Brownie Day!! Mmmmmm, chocolate brownies. I never used to like chocolate brownies, mainly because the first time i had any was in ice cream, and i was expecting something crunchy, and i didn't like the stodginess. So I avoided them until someone bought me a wrapped chocolate brownie, and it felt rude to refuse it, so i ate it, and oh my god, it was lovely! I've clearly been depriving myself all these years! No time to make up for it now, though, I'm thinning.

Brought a salad with me today for dinner at work, but for some reason my mum thought she would order me a cheese and broccoli pasty. Yes, it's my favourite, but she knows I'm on a diet, so what did she think would happen? I'm fed up of her thinking she can advise me on what i can eat, when all she does is say ''You can have this, this is allowed'' while talking about pizza or something. Then she incessantly asks me ''Are you sure you don't want any? Are you sure? Are you sure?'' Seriously, dieting would be so much easier without a crazed mother trying to force food down my throat. She then calls my dieting ''Being silly''.

Mum: ''Do you want any pizza/pasta/insert high calorie food here?''

Me: ''No, I'm alright thanks.''

Mum: ''You aren't being silly again, are you?''

Why don't you just fuckety fuck off?

By the way, I must credit Marius with my current obsession with American Food National Holidays. He mentioned in a recent post about what other holidays were in December other than Krimble, and Ice Cream and Violins Day was one of them. It's still my favourite. Bring on the 13th!! Thanks Marius, for bringing it to our attention!

That picture is making me weep with hunger and desire.

Day Eight

2009-12-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

Exciting developments all round today!

Firstly, I'd like to wish everyone a happy National Cotton Candy Day!! Bah, Americans have such better national holidays than us, there's a food one for every day of the year, for a start! I'll be introducing a few of them to you over the coming month. Ironically, in the month that I am dieting. And i can assure you, there is not National Salad Day in December. So, a bit about cotton candy. Of course, over here it's called candyfloss, but seeing as it contains neither cotton nor dental floss, neither nation can claim that their name is 'correct'. Perhaps a place in Central Europe call it 'ColouredFluffySugar' and can claim name accuracy. Probably the Belgians.

Ok, on to other things. I have finally got an advent calender!! WOOOOO! My mum found a Toy Story one somewhere, and so I am extremely over-excited about it. Today I guessed that the chocolate would be a stocking. It was a weird looking shepherd. I didn't mind. I'll get it right at some point! I get to eat the chocolate anyway.

Had a nice weekend going to my chum's house for bowling, a curry and much drinking. Though he lives about an hour and a half away, and it was raining heavily so i was driving slower, and I took a wrong turning somewhere and ended up adding 45 minutes to the journey. There was then a mix up with the bowling cuz they had to start without me and J, but my grumpy mood eventually evaporated when my friend showed me a toy dispenser that had Care Bears in it, so I got three little Care Bears (Wish Bear, Bedtime Bear and Cheer Bear), and then I won the one bowling game me and J played, and then went for our curry. I say curry, everyone else had a curry, I had an omelette cuz i was dieting. Still couldn't finish it, I was very full after just the omelette! No room for the chips! Then we went back to my friends house, got drunk, much merriment was had. Drove back home in the morning a lot faster than we got there!

I have completely dispensed with the hoodia. I just don't need it. Eating two salads a day seems to suppress my hunger enough. In fact, at this point, I'm not hungry at all. Sure, I'd eat a burger if it was put in front of me and i wasn't on a diet etc etc, but that would be because I would really want it, not because I've got hunger pangs. Will hold onto the hoodia in case i need it in the future, ie when I've been eating salad for a month and my body rebels and I need an addition to any willpower, but to be honest, I still don't know if they work or not. Salad alone seems to stop me being hungry. Who knows. Who knows what the nose knows? I don't.

But the main news of today is that I have finished my Krimble shopping! It was such a strange experience finding everything that i wanted, and if i didn't, I easily thought of an alternative. Makes me think that I've got a particularly frustrating day coming up to restore the karma. Or that this day was to make up for loads of recent crappy days. Either way, I'm not complaining. Couple of moments I'd like to share with you though. One, I was waiting behind a bloke at a cash machine, and i don't think he knew i was there, and when he had got his cash, he turned round and saw me and said 'Cheers' like he was thanking me for....what? Not barging him out of the way? Mugging him? Stealing his identity? Weird. Two, I was in the supermarket and I had just bought a load of spirits and wine for xmas gifts, and the total was over £100. I tried to have a chuckle with the the cashier and said ''Well, if only the people I am buying my presents for weren't drinkers! It would be so much cheaper!'' and she just sort of smiled and said ''Well, if you know what they want, you could buy them throughout the year...''. Yes, Cocky Cashier Lady, in a perfect world I could. Wait, scratch that, I could make everyone homemade wine and jam and biscuits and give everyone a lovely Xmas hamper. I could wear a 50's style polka dot dress and an apron and be magical and perfect in every way..... no wait, that's right, I have a job and a life and don't spend my year planning for one single day in December! I thought i was doing pretty well getting everything done for early December, but no, I'm just a cretin! Bitch.

Another thing that was weird about that transaction was that on Friday i bought a bottle of Baileys for my friend for her birthday, and I was asked for ID (I didn't have any on me, but she sold it to me anyway. So the point in asking was....?), whereas today I bought nine bottles of spirits and wine, and i wasn't asked for ID. Apparently I don't look old enough to buy a small bottle of luxury Irish cream liqueur that was the strength of a bottle of wine, but i look old enough to buy enough whiskey and vodka to easily drink myself to death. I suppose I've just got that kind of face....

Anyway, enjoy Cotton Candy Day, and don't eat so much that when you go on the rollercoaster you vomit blue on the geeky kid in front of you.

Day Four; Surprising

2009-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so, after a day like today I would normally plunge face first into a hot and cheesy bread and meat based meal (get your mind out of the gutter, I know that sounds horrendously wrong!).

First off, it's cold, so I always want a hearty meal to warm my cockles. Second, depressing day at work. Everything I did ended up getting undermined by my boss, like i didn't know what the hell I was doing. Third, a customer stayed an hour and ten minutes after closing time, so i couldn't go home til he finally left (the bosses don't help by not even mentioning that he was keeping the shop open way past closing). So now I'm grumpy. One thing that cheered me up is the fact that a gift i ordered for J has finally arrived, after one from eBay got lost in the post and this thing (something to do with Ireland) could only be bought from people in America. Very weird. I finally got it from a website devoted entirely to Irish souvenirs, based in Ohio. Tres bizarre!

But I had loads of things that i wanted to get done tonight, and now it's quarter to eight, and I don't think they are going to get done til Sunday now. Bloody customer taking up my whole evening! Grrrr.

But yeah, today is surprising because after such a grievous day, I'm not really hungry. All I've eaten is two salads. And when i say salad, I don't mean Caesar salad or something exotic, I mean a bowl of lettuce with a tomato, a bit of cucumber and a slight drizzle of low calorie salad cream, or a blob of Branston Pickle. Just not hungry. And I'm not even taking the hoodia. Had a couple before i went to bed last night to slave off any morning hunger pangs, but not been hungry all day. Maybe it's a cumulative effect of a few days of sporadic hoodia, or my body has got used to eating a couple of salads a day. Either way, I'm not arguing!

Day Three; Unnecessary

2009-12-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today was quite odd. As i work on Saturdays, I have a day off during the week that counts as my other weekend day. Today was that. I was woken up at quarter to seven by my alarm, and then basked in the warmth of my bed and knowing i didn't have to get out of it, and then promptly went back to sleep and had really weird dreams. I then woke up at ten, dozed for a bit, and then spent til quarter to three watching TV snuggled up in bed. Glorious. Trouble is, i had loads of things pigeonholed to do today, and I haven't done a single one of them. Very bad. After I've written this post i will have to go and do the essential things, like checking on my guinea pigs and other little bits and bobs, but other than that, it's been very unproductive.

As I only woke up at ten and generally started to come into the land of the living at around 12, I didn't have any hoodia, but strangely, I didn't need any because I wasn't hungry anyway. Which was weird cuz all I ate yesterday was a salad for lunch, a salad for tea, a banana and some carrot sticks with hummous (caramelised onion hummous....mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!), so all I've eaten today has been the remainder of the hummous and two bowls of salad. One odd thing about this diet is that I've been craving fresh tomatoes with salt on. Now, I hate tomatoes. Really hate them. Weird.

Day Two; Skepticism

2009-12-01T02:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't managed to get hold of an advent calender yet! Missed my Dec 1st morning guessing game! It's ok though, I shall get one on the way home, it's fine... panic averted.

So, am still pretty sceptical about the hoodia, as I'm getting hunger pangs and it's still an hour til lunch. Though only had a bowl of soup, a bread roll, a chocolate hob nob and a salad (lettuce and grated carrot) to eat yesterday, so i think its working by not removing the hunger, but taking the edge off so I'm not ravenous, and also when i do eat, I'm full on less. Just realised I didn't weigh myself yesterday, so I will have no idea if it's working or not. Though part of that might be fear to get on the scales in case I'm so obese I get disheartened and eat a whole pizza out of 'what's-the-point' ness.

My best chum is coming over tonight, and we are continuing with our current evening activity of watching cheesy creature feature films. We have taken a break from our 'Work Our Way Through Johnny Depp's Back Catalogue' mission, mainly because we can't find any of his films that are really cheap (with good reason) but we don't want to spend ten quid on a film if we are going to only watch it once (especially for films like Chocolat and Before Night Falls, where he is in it for about ten seconds, despite his name being on the box!). There are films that I only watched because he was in it, like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but I got drunk and fell asleep while watching it, and it was the most confusing film I've ever seen, but I'm not going to watch it again just to find out what it was all about.... I was awake when it started, i saw the mad hairstyle, therefore I've seen it godammit! Anyway, I digress. At the moment we are getting through some cheesy creature features, and tonight is the turn of Anaconda 3. It has the added bonus of starring David Hasselhoff, which will be an fantastic treat of naffness! It seems that the Anaconda series has a habit of starring dodgy singers. Anaconda has Jennifer Lopez, Anacondas has Matthew Marsden, and now Anaconda 3 has The Hoff. Don't think 4 has anyone though...shame.

But yeah, we have worked our way through quite a pile of crappy creature films! My favourite so far has to be Shark Attack 3; Megalodon, mainly because of the crap dialogue, John Barrowman's cheesy gayness and this clip;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nzd0R_OeOc

Genius.

We have also seen Frogs, which is the most ridiculous film ever made. For a start, the frogs were the least menacing creatures in the world, but also, they never actually kill anyone. Someone dies from shooting himself in the leg and then gets crawled on by tarantulas, next person dies because lizards push jars of unconvincing smoking poison off the shelves in a greenhouse, the next one dies after chasing a butterfly, falling in a pool of leeches and then gets bitten by a rattlesnake, next one gets eaten by a crocodile, next one gets bitten by a watersnake and drowns in a comedy way, next one gets killed by a snapping turtle, some others are pecked by birds and then the last person has a heart attack and then some frogs come and sit on his corpse. Wondrous.

Next on the list are Anaconda 3 and 4, Piranha, Komodo and if we can find them, Attack of the Sabretooth:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZkblH8Q22I

and Night of the Lepus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Od92391upY

Bunnies? We need to know how bunnies are scary!! I mean, they can give you a pretty nasty kick, and of course there is the rabbit from the Holy Grail, but come on! Me and my pal think we could make a pretty awesome creature feature... look at what we have come up with so far...

Revenge of the Sea Sponge
Anemone!
Return of the Dead Leaves
Attack of the Yellow Dusters
Caterpillar VS. Ladybird
Day of the Ducks followed by the sequel, Night of the Owl
Killer Slippery Floor
The Mooing
When Doorknobs Go Bad
Land of the Snail

and my two favourites -
Pigeon Apocolypse
Penguins!

Watch out for us at your local cinema. We are going to be huge.

Day One

2009-11-30T02:25:00.000-08:00

Ah, last day of November, nearly time for me to hotfoot it down the shops and get a chocolate advent calender. Yes, I realised I'm 24 years old and should be over such things by now, but in these bleak times you have to find the joy in the little things. Hence the anticipation every morning of 'What will the chocolate be?? What will it be? I think it will be a robin! Yeah, lets go for a robin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh its a cracker! I'll have the choc as a consolation prize....''. The mornings where i actually guess right put me on an unrivalled high all day. Well, most of the morning. Well, until i get to work, usually. If I get it right on a day off, well, I think I'd go sky diving naked out of sheer joy.

Spent this weekend doing a two day craft fair, and you wouldn't believe the wrangling i had to do to get the day off on Saturday from work. Ridiculous. But anyway, it was OK, sold a few bits, but it wasn't as busy as it could have been, mainly due to the inadequate signposting and general grotty weather. Didn't help that there were two really smug traders (one selling stone based jewellery, the other selling scissors) that seemed to be doing quite well, but were complaining that they had 'only' taken about three hundred pounds. At one point, the scissors lady came across to my stall, seemingly for a chat, and asked how it was going. I said it could be better, and she made sympathetic noises and said ''Yeah, we are the same, it's not very good is it? But then a big rush of people came in and we doubled our takings!'' and then she wandered off. Smug cow. Hope she falls and gets impaled on her pair of impossibly big scissors. Anyway, it's all over an done with now, and I can focus on making my Xmas presents, including my contribution to the Santa Paws. That will be this Wednesday's job, and then I can pop it in the post this week! Woo! Am so excited to see what everyone makes!

It has to be said, that apart from my family and friends, I am not a very charitable person. I have all the time in the world for people that i know, and will donate time and effort to help them. Well, the time has come to give back to society on a larger scale. I have often considered becoming an organ donor, but thought that donating my body to medical science would be going a bit far. I also thought that taking part in medical trials would be interesting, but there's always the drawback of having a massive side effect and dying horribly. So, in my own little way, I'm going to test drive what could be a useful drug. On the surface, it may seem that my reasons are selfish, but i assure you it is for the greater good (the greater good*). I am referring to Hoodia, that which has been touted as an natural appetite suppressant. I think this would work for me (if i does work) because i don't really comfort eat or anything, the only reason i fail at dieting is because i have a huge appetite. I've often wondered whether it works, so I've taken the plunge and i have got about a months worth of capsules. If it works, then hooray! Fat people are saved! If it doesn't then you haven't wasted forty quid on useless diet pills, I have. You see, I'm doing a public service.

Anyway. So i took some last Friday, but i made the mistake of taking one with a boiling hot cup of tea, which i think made the capsule dissolve immediately, and i was left with the most vile taste repeating on me all morning, By dinner time i had to eat something just to get rid of the horrible taste. I then took a couple more later in the day but made the mistake of drinking heavily in the pub, which always makes me very hungry and lowers my willpower, so ended up gorging on Chinese food at about 10pm. So the first day was a complete failure, but i think i will have to cut out alcohol if i am serious about this, as cider has a huge amount of calories anyway. This will be hard on the run up to Christmas, but i think I can do it! So, I shall start with today as Day One of the Hoodia Trials. I'm not hungry yet, and i haven't had any capsules , as I'm still full from my tea last night, which was two massive bacon, sausage and cheese sandwiches. But I shall start taking the capsules as described from 12noon today (one at 9am, one at 12 and one at 5pm) and get back to you tonight on the findings! By Christmas, i will hopefully have lost at least half a stone. I need to, I'm heavier now than i have ever been ever. I look like a suet pudding. Ick.

Random Hot Fuzz reference there.... if you have seen the film, you may chuckle, if not..... see it. It's hilarious.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STINKYPAW!!

2009-11-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hope you are having a spiffing day!

Need More Time, Or Superspeed...

2009-11-18T13:40:00.001-08:00

My to do list at the beginning of today had about twenty items on it. I have managed to complete one.

Obviously this morning at quarter to seven when my alarm went off, I added another task to the top of the list; sleep a bit more. I then proceeded to have bizarre, vivid dreams that i only have when i am woken up and then doze off again. Gah, why is it necessary to get up in a morning?....it borders on fascism.

So yeah, my first task was to finish this christening spoon that my mum wanted me to make for my cousins baby. Spent all day polishing, re-polishing, trying to set a stone in it, then trying to put a planished effect on the spoon bowl, the deciding I liked it better smooth....nightmare. I still haven't got it completely finished, so I'll post pictures when it's done. Have got loads of other things to do, and haven't done one. Am off now to Vista print to sort out a batch of business cards. Argh, i really don't have time to go to work!

C.A.A. (Clumsy Arses Anonymous)

2009-11-16T06:23:00.000-08:00

My name is Purple Pigeon, and I am a clumsy person.

Not only am I clumsy, but I am the wrong type of clumsy. Much the same as in England we get the wrong type of snow, so that a light dusting renders all transport to a standstill and requires enough grit on the road to concrete the entire surface area of the Moon, whereas Canada seems to get the right kind of snow that enables the entire country to function normally with six foot drifts, only needing to dig out their car before being on their way* (which seems to me to be a great opportunity for massive snowmen/women/penguins everywhere).

If we are to believe the media, clumsiness is an adorable, kooky little personality trait that immediately endears the sufferer to anyone that encounters them. They are generally let off any kind of destructive misdemeanor because they are just so goddammed cute.

I don't have this type of clumsiness.

My type of clumsiness is no less spectacular and destructive, but seems to be met only with disdain and annoyance. Like at work at the jewellery shop, if someone else does something clumsy, like one person that was polishing a ring, it flew out of her hand and hit a florescent strip light, causing it to fall down and break, it is laughed off. If i drop something and break it, I get a stern look and a condescending ''You have to be really careful with things.'' Oh, do i really? Because I was throwing things around on purpose!

I don't know what it is, because i have quite good spatial awareness (I'm great at reverse parking) but i don't seem to have the brain function that stops other people constantly tripping up, knocking things over or dropping things.

Still, they make for amusing stories. Like the time I rolled my mum's car only a few days after getting it fixed after rear ending someone;

Trouble is, they usually end up costing me money. My most recent spectacular misdemeanor happened a couple of weeks ago, when i was staying over at J's. My alarm on my phone went off at about 6.45am, as it does when i have to work. Trouble was, i had left my phone in my bag at the other end of the room. I scrambled out of bed, but the combination of sudden wakefulness and still being a bit drunk from the night before meant that i crashed headfirst into his wardrobe door, then as i crouched down to rummage in my bag for the offending noisy phone, i lost my balance and toppled over into a pile of stuff that he keeps near the door. As well as knocking over his heater, various clanky bottles and cans and a pile of CD cases (all of which conveniently make a horrendous racket when they fall over) i broke the cable that was in his amp by bending the plug bit almost to a right angle. And on top if that, I was naked. Sprawled over sharp things. Dignified. And I still hadn't managed to turn off the alarm. His parents must have thought that his room had been invaded by an epileptic rhinoceros having a fit. Not the best way to start the morning. And where were my adoring glances??? I got told to sit on the bed and not move ever again because i was a liability. Hmmmm, I think he might be right.

So just a quick heads up to anyone out there that encounters one or many of my calamities (mostly the people at work). Yes, I know i have to be careful. Most of the time i try really hard to be careful, and it's tiring. If i do break something, i fix it, or offer to pay for it and/or get another one. Stop talking to me like I'm a flailing spastic. It annoys me more than it annoys you, trust me.

Other little things involve constantly dropping crisps before they reach my mouth, occasionally clipping the curb in the car (note to Mother - I don't need you to give me a detailed lecture about how to drive a car every time this happens), or if it's a special occasion, spilling entire pints in pubs. I also hurt myself almost daily. Though i do enjoy a good bruise. It's like a medal.

Obviously I must learn how to be adorably clumsy, instead of annoyingly clumsy. Notice how i don't want to learn how to just NOT be clumsy. I've tried. I failed.

*I apologise to my fabulous Canadian readers for my gross generalisations, but it was either that or infer that you are all burrowing mole people and in the winter you travel via a network of tunnels hollowed out under the snow. To be honest, i think both misrepresentations put you in a good light.

A little piggy with a big personality

2009-11-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, another horrendous gap between posts! Will have to try harder. Think I will try and blog at work in my dinner hour, as i seem to be busy the rest of the time. Recently it's been getting xmas gifts, making bits and bobs like a christening spoon for my cousin's baby, going to work, and generally keeping on top of the mountains of stuff i need to store in my room, and trying not to die in a sketchbook/DVD/clothes related avalanche disaster.

Now, bit of sad news. In the past few weeks, My oldest two guinea pigs have been showing signs of getting old, with Gizmo of them losing hair and bleeding randomly. Splot started losing hair too, but i think that's because my youngest two have been nibbling her hair. Anyway, at four years, they aren't really that old, but Gizmo was getting thin, going bald and bleeding from her back end. I took her to the vet, who was irritatingly clueless about the whole thing and charged me £18 just to say ''I don't know whats wrong, see how she goes.'' (See how she goes, what a stupid thing to say. She's bleeding randomly, that's how it's going to go, it's a pretty drastic symptom. Silly cow). I did a bit of research, and I reckon it was ovarian cysts. The hair loss seemed to point at a hormonal thing, anyway. So we potter along and she seems to be well enough in herself. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, when the weather gets cold. I fought tooth and nail for my mum to let me keep the old two in the house over the winter, as they would normally be ok in my shed, but as they are bald, they wouldn't be able to cope with it dropping to below ten degrees. I brought them in for a couple of nights, but my mum kicked up such a fuss about the smell. It wasn't a dirty smell, no, she couldn't stand the smell of FRESH hay and sawdust. So, after much arguing, she made me put them back in the shed, and gave me a piece of tarp to put over the cage, convinced it would keep them warm. WTF???

So the next day, I go into check on them after work, and Gizmo is draped over the food bowl, freezing cold, having died. On reflection, it MIGHT not have been the cold that killed her, it's possible it was her underlying illness, but the cold didn't help, and if it was her illness, I would have much rather her die warm and comfortable. But no, Mum knows best. Like fuck.

She lectures me that i don't look after them properly, because i don't clean them out precisely when she wants me to, but when it comes down to it, she won't do anything that will actually help them.

But anyway, away with such bitterness. RIP Gizmo, she leaves best friend and lesbian lover Splot, and is now buried under a conifer in the back garden. Hopefully guinea pig heaven has lots of dandelion leaves and rustly bags to squeak at. Night night, sausage x

Grumpy Time

2009-10-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been quite a while since the dead birdie post, and while many blog-worthy things have happened, i fail to remember a lot of them, so I'll try and give a bit of a filler post until i do.

Basically I've been quite busy with my jobs, doing my Valentine jewellery, doing my Halloween costume, seeing J and generally doing things that need doing. Plus my mum has just asked me to make a Christening spoon for my cousins child, which is even more stuff to do that i don't need. And when I'm not doing that, I'm hiding in my room having some nice downtime without having to deal with people. Unfortunately, this is the time my mum thinks is a good time to continually interrupt by telling me to do various things/asking me things/basically ruining the few hours i have to myself. Grrr. So, not felt at all relaxed or in a blogging mood.

I'm still not in a relaxed or blogging mood, so i will continue with a broad, sweeping, generalized statement. I hate people. I keep trying to be a personable person, to keep in mind that everyone is valuable and special in their own way, but time and time again, people prove to me that no, they are not. They are morons.

Example;
My friend and I are at our rollerblading rink. While i am waiting for the pleb behind the counter to get my blades, I am stood, only wearing socks, quite close to the wall to keep away from the people wearing blades. All of a sudden, a blade rolls over my foot. Understandably, I cry out in pain to the tune of 'Ow ow ow! That's my foot!!!'. I turn round to see who it was, and i get confronted by an angry chav holding a flailing three year old under the arms, blades going every which way, who promptly has a go at me for shouting at her child, saying it wasn't it's fault it wasn't very good, and i should look at who it was before i start shouting. Er, excuse me, I'm not going to check who has hurt me before i cry out in spontaneous pain as a reflex. Anyway, most people would apologise to me because their child had hurt me, not have a go at me because i yelped because their child hurt me. Fucking Moron.

Poor Birdie

2009-10-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

I'm at work and having a sneaky post with my 12'o'clock cup of tea and muffin.

Some terribly sad news I'm afraid. As you might know, my birds are rubbish and keep laying eggs only to break them or for them not to hatch. As this is the case, i have stopped monitoring how long they have been sat on eggs, or whether or not they are breeding at all. Then on Sunday, I found this in their cage:

Unfortunately, it was about a foot away from the nest, and a little bit dead. I was gutted. I mean, they managed to create a little baby birdie, incubate it, hatch it, only to boot it out of the nest and let it die. And i feel guilty cuz if i was monitoring them enough, i might have found it and managed to save it and hand rear it if necessary. Booo. Poor little blighter.

I'm keeping a close eye on their one remaining egg, in case that hatches and they treat it similarly, but its been a couple of days since I found that one, and i don't know how long it had been hatched. They are supposed to hatch at the same time, so it's likely that the other is another dud egg.

One day we might get a live baby birdie, when they get their act together!

Super!

2009-10-04T04:36:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I should probably do a post...

Still haven't finished my polishing yet, people. My mops arrived at about 3pm on Wednesday, which meant i got a solid hour of polishing in before i had to get showered an go to J's. And let me tell, you, an hour is hardly worth all the messing about it takes. What kind of crappy postman comes at three?? Managed to get about three hours in on Friday night because instead of going to pub and having a lovely evening with J, he went out with his work mates (can't decide whether I'm grumbly about that or not. My plan is to ignore my indecision til such a time that i forget, thus avoiding the issue altogether). But anyway, my polishing still isn't done because due to the vast amount of soldering i did on each piece, everything is covered in firestain and it takes an age to polish out. The non-silverworkers among you, that probably doesn't make much sense, but trust me, it's a massive ball ache. And I don't even have balls, and it still makes them ache. It's an oxide layer on the surface of the silver that comes from the copper that is in the silver when it is heated up during soldering, and it shows up as a dull grey stain on the silver. Which has to be filed/sanded/polished off. It's tedious and takes forever. Bloody things.

But away with such grump inducing folly! The real important issue is that i have bought the whole of the fourth series of Supernatural on DVD! A-WER-HOO! Cost me about thirty quid, because the money making swines at Warner Bros have split the series into two halves for some reason, and it was 12 quid for the first half and 19 quid for the second half (though in some places it was £22, so a saving of three paaaahnd there), but never the less, it is in the clutches of my dirty little mitts at last! Obviously I'm not going to just watch the last few episodes that i haven't seen, I've started watching the series from the beginning, to get the full moody angsty Dean experience. I've got up to the one where Dean catches the ghost sickness, and is scared of everything, and its perhaps my favourite episode ever. Not only are we treated to the bit where Dean screams like a little girl at a cat in a locker (i nearly laughed my spleen off), but we also get Dean doing the Eye of the Tiger scene at the end. Class. I might watch it twice.

In fact, I think I'm going to get myself a cup of tea, watch a couple more episodes, and then slog through a bit more polishing. Mmmmm Deanio....

Cruel Visitation

2009-10-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, I'm currently running on fumes at the moment, due to an unprovoked spider attack last night. I suppose it was my fault for deigning to leave my window open while it rained, but as soon as I entered the room, I knew that something wasn't right. I tried to put it out of my head, but my instincts are obviously to be trusted. I couldn't doze off, and at about 2.30am, the little fecker showed himself.

As i wasn't wearing my glasses, all I saw was a fuzzy moving blur, but i KNEW. I whipped my glasses on, and it was sat there, all cocky, next to my bean bag. It then, as if in defiance, ran up my beagbag and out of sight. Little git. I sat transfixed for a while, clutching my spider catching container (larger than a glass, but sturdy and see-through). Eventually, it paraded into sight, and I pounced.

I then had a captured spider, but no way of sliding a piece of card under it because it was on a squashy bean bag. After about half an hour of psyching, I finally succeeded in maneuvering it onto a piece of card. Then it was T'ra to Mr Monster Spider.

But i couldn't sleep after such andencounter, and now I'm utterly knackered. And here we are, back to sleepie time, and I'm petrified.

I hate spiders. They ruin EVERYTHING!!

Gardening is complete!

2009-09-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

Seeing as my polishing mops have neglected to arrive, my jewellery polishing will have to be postponed til Sunday now. Stupid Royal Mail!!

But still, it means I have another free day to do other things that need doing. I have taken my window box off my shed, fixed it, and reattached it. I can now put my plants actually in the window box. Hurray!!

Now, seeing as it's only dinner time, I will embark upon my many other tasks that i need to do. My guinea pig desperately needs trimming, so I think that will be one of my next jobs. She really doesn't like it, but it's necessary to stop her becoming a matted ball. Fun times!

*EDIT*

My guinea pig is not a happy guinea pig. Well, she will be for the lack of matted hair near her bum, but she wasn't pleased with the whole trimming process.

Admittedly, she does look cuter like this

And she seems to be enjoying the camera attention, and showing off the lovely fur that isn't all matted.

But as you can see here:

There is nothing but hate in that beady eye.

Look at the pounds of fur she's lost!

I mean, she's very good and doesn't bite me or anything, but she squeaks and jumps about so i know she's not having the best time. But she will feel better not having to lug all that damp hair about. Though she might feel chilly for a bit. Poor little blighter. Who's idea was it to breed a rodent with unmanagably long hair that gets dirty within about four seconds? Guinea pig show people, that's who. Mad people that have nothing better to do than put guinea pigs in rollers and brush them endlessly. Some folk.

Gardening According to Pigeon

2009-09-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know a great deal about gardening. I've managed to grow a few sunflowers in my time, and planted some seeds in my mother's rockery when i was little which then promptly took over the entire patch, but that's about as far as my expertise goes. So when i decided to embark upon planting my window box on my shed, i can't say i had great expectations. Massive hopes and excitement, but not expectations. Still, I poddled off to B&Q, to see what took my fancy.

I came away with a rather nice selection of evergreens, heathers and a tray of violas. This, added to the mass of bulbs i bought from Wilkinsons the other week, i was good to go.

First, I had to locate the tubs that fit into my window box that my mum had planted up a few years ago. They were suitably overgrown and spider infested.

Please don't be alarmed by the rather disturbing looking man sat on the bench. It's only Arthur. I am mostly creeped out by him since my mum brought him from my Grandad's garden, but seeing as he hasn't as yet jumped off the bench and hidden behind something and jumped out to scare me, I am slowly demoting him from ''creepy-ass'' to just ''odd''. I think I'll end up inheriting him at some point.

Anyway, after the trays had been purged of their weed-esque contents, i gave them a rinse with the new ultra-slick hose gun. They aren't sparkly clean, but as I'm just going to dump more dirt in them, I didn't feel it was a sensible use of my time and resources to go mad with the cleaning.

Then i did a bit of setting out and the briefest amount of thinking about where things would go.

Then came the hard part. Retrieving the bag of compost from a years worth of grime and spider encrustation. I fended off at least four spiders and a harvestman (weird spider that is technically all legs) before getting my mum to pull the bag out.

I then had the unenviable job of getting close enough to the spider infested bag to cut open the top and extract the compost. Scary times, but eventually I emerged triumphant....

With a shiny red bucket full of dirt. I am commander of all things peaty!

I then set about putting my plants in, randomly putting bulbs in along the way. Come spring i should have snowdrops, crocuses (croci?), grape hyacinth, bluebells, dark purple tulips, some poofy blue things and probably something else i can't remember. Seeing as i have no idea when it comes to gardening, i don't know whether I've spaced them correctly or anything, I've just bunged a load in and hope they grow.

Check out my mini conifer! Its a lemon scented....something or other. Apparently they grow to about 30ft, but if i keep trimming it, I'm sure i can keep it mini. I haven't named him yet, but he shall come in very handy as an exterior Krimble tree.

And there it is.

I know it doesn't look much at the moment, but the little evergreen bushes will grow, and in spring all the bulbs will come up, and i plan on putting some daisies in at some point. I thought the tiny evergreen shrub in the top right corner was the cutest little plant ever. My mum thought i was barmy, but sometimes you have to feel these things in order to tend to them properly.

I also bought some rosemary, as i do like it on potatoes. I put it in a nice square pot, with more bulbs hidden underneath.

I also had some heathers left over, so I made a heather tub, with a couple of bonus bulbs in.

I also discovered, while creating my flowery tubs of magic, that i had also succeeded in creating quite a large mess.

I did buy some gardening gloves, as you can see, but they are suspiciously clean because after initially handling the spidery compost bag, i quickly dispensed with them and just plunged my hands into the dirt. Plus side is that now my hands smell of rosemary. Downside is that now I need industrial cleaner to get the stuff out from under my nails.

Tomorrow, hopefully my polishing mops will come and i can finish my jewellery, but i also need to fix my window box so i can put my tubs in, and it will all be glorious. At the moment it is falling off my shed cuz the people who built it only nailed it in, so I'll need to screw it on properly, then the magic can be realised. Woo! After about four years of having the shed and windowbox, I'm finally putting something in it! Huzzah!

Good Effort, Could Do Better

2009-09-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

Well, so much for my post-a-day attempt. Though having said that, 11 posts this month is a vast improvement on last month. I think i shall award myself a tick.

That's nice.

I had a nice week sans parents, not counting going to work. Had some lovely relaxing evenings, apart from when my brother randomly decided to come home, even though he has moved out. Pain in the arse. Went to a par-tay on Saturday night, which mostly involved drinking and talking rubbish while watching various televisual programmes. Oooh, and speaking of televisual programmes, Ross Noble is on tonight, with a series of him touring round Australia. If it's half as good as his DVD extras, it should be a treat! And the final series of Supernatural is finally out on DVD!! I missed the last few episodes, so now i can finally find out whether they stopped the Apocalypse! I'm guessing yes, unless it had one hell of a twist where the world did actually end. But probably not. Oh Dean, lovely Dean, I have missed you.

Have spent today powering through my Valentine jewellery. I've made all the pieces, I just have to polish them up and make the stoppers for the poison rings. I would still be doing it now, but when i got out my polishing mop tin, i noticed that i only had two calico polishing mops left, and i need about one per item, and I've got ten things to polish, so I've come in, ordered some off the net, and settled down for a quick blog.

Got quite a bit to do these next few days. Got to polish up the jewellery, make J a ring, possibly make my mum some earrings, tax my car, plant my window box, finish my Halloween costume, plan out some paintings, plus the various day to day things of tidying, washing clothes, cleaning out piggies and so on so forth. When did my life become so packed with things to do? I think it's cuz I'm a creative type, i always have stuff to do that isn't going to work and household chores. I remember when all i had to do what i got home from school was watch The Simpsons and perhaps go to my friends house. Now it's all crept up on me, and if i do get a spare minute, I'm always thinking ''What could i be doing that's more productive?''. Not that I would then go and do it, but it would be nice to have guilt free relaxing!

Going to go and write tomorrow's to do list. Yay!

A boring post, to counteract any excitement you are feeling

2009-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

I know it's been nearly a week since my last post, but i am terribly busy and important. Had things to do, and some stuff, and more things..... jam packed, my schedule is! Well, most of the time it has been taken up with going to work, eating, indulging in passive aggressive road rage and considering tidying up, but still, it leaves little time for bloggage.

I'm going well on the jewellery making, though i still need to get a piece finished by the end of the month. Might have to have a sneaky day off work and really knuckle down. You see, my rents have gone away for the week, so this week will be a week of bliss with J coming round in the evenings, so there will be scant time for jewellery making and/or blogging.

Plus i really don't have much to blog about, as it's been a pretty standard week. So here i am, blogging about not blogging. Maybe something slightly more interesing will happen next week.

We can but hope, people!

Redundant Garments - A New Edition

2009-09-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, well, we've all wondered at the point of the trouser skirt, and pondered just what the point of a sleeveless woolly jumper is, but I have noticed a new trend of pointless garment clogging up the racks of all of the women's clothes shops (and don't get me started on the annoying cloneyness of women's clothes shops. Doesn't matter what name is above the door, they all have the same stuff). That trend is the ''Boyfriend Shirt''.

Basically, it is a baggy, unflattering shirt, with short sleeves with fake roll ups, made to look like you are just casually wearing your boyfriend's shirt. Let me start with the crippling tragicness of that concept. You want to wear your boyfriend's shirt but find yourself sans boyfriend? Well just buy your own shirt and pretend you have casually borrowed it from your non-existent boyfriend (or even worse, your imaginary boyfriend. He's probably called Travis and is rugged and sensitive at the same time.) Why stop at shirts? Why not buy those 'boyfriend cut' jeans and step out imagining you look like you have cutely borrowed your boyfriend's clothes, whereas in fact you look like a lesbian? Or why not buy a hooker so you can walk in on her and your fake boyfriend and have an intense imaginary break up. It's a slippery slope.

But let's ignore the extreme tragicness of buying such an item, and focus on the pointlessness, shall we? Why not just buy a man's shirt, and then wear it with the sleeves rolled up? Or, for full authenticity, JUST BORROW ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S SHIRTS?? The ''Boyfriend shirt'' that they are selling in these shops is actually LESS useful than a normal shirt, as the sleeves will not roll down when you feel a bit chilly. The rolled up look is just a lie! Plus they are producing them with very girly patterns and designs, which means although they are supposed to look like you have worn your boyfriend's shirt, everyone will see it for the lie that it is because no self respecting man would every buy a purple tartan shirt with a silver thread trim. At least make them in masculine designs to keep up the farce.

But i suppose it fits with the fashion designer mentality. They have pointless hair cuts and have pointless little dogs and design their clothes for pointless people like Paris Hilton, so why not make actual pointless clothes? I think I've made my point.

Poor Frank

2009-09-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

Another day, another doddering old idiot wrecking my car. Seriously, do we have to have them culled when they reach a certain age?

You may think I'm being harsh, but i do have my reasons.

I was at work on Saturday, when a woman comes into the shop wanting to know if anyone had a little red car. I said that i had. Apparently what had happened was that a stupid old woman on a mobility scooter had come barrelling down the pavement, narrowly missed her and then crashed into my front bumper and then got wedged underneath. Bearing in mind that she was on the PAVEMENT and my car was STATIONARY on the ROAD, she must have been going too fast. Then after getting her scooter wedged under my bumper and gouging massive scrapes out of the paintwork, a van with four men in it stop to 'help'. Without trying to find out whose car it was, they lift it up, pull out the scooter (bending my bumper at the same time), and send the dithering old twat on her way, before similarly scarpering. If it weren't for the woman that she nearly hit going round knocking on doors trying to find who owned the car, I wouldn't have known til i went to go home and found my bumper fucked up. Clearly if she can't control it and won't take responsibility for what she damages, she shouldn't have the scooter. They don't have insurance or anything, they just blunder about regardless. And if that means that she can't get out and about, well, thats probably for the best if thats what she is going to do while she's out. NowI'm stuck with the inconvenience of getting it sorted and the bill of getting it sorted.

To add insult to injury, she went up the road past the neighbouring shop, and as the woman that runs it came out, she said ''It was that car that got me!'', like it leaped onto the pavement and forced her to break my bumper. STUPID. OLD. WOMAN.

Add to that the fact that my first Micra was written off by a confused old man that shouldn't have even been allowed to drive and pulled out in front of me, and you see my reasons why i think that old people shouldn't be allowed to drive ANYTHING. If they can't get up from a chair without three hours, a stick and a helper or can't step off the curb without falling over and breaking their hip, then I very much doubt they have the ability, reaction speed or strength to control any sort of vehicle.

Plus, the four blokes in the van probably drove off merrily, thinking they had done a good deed for the day, not stopping to think about the car they wrenched the bumper off. The thought of them with their stupid grubby mitts touching my car and lifting it up makes me want to hit them. Tossers.

OK, i think it's time i had a little time out in the corner, I'm on the verge of a tantrum.

More Midnight Battles

2009-09-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

Well, did you all have an exciting time at 9.09am, on 09-09-09? I bet you did. There was a brief moment that was magical and special as the cosmos aligned, and then it ticked over to ten past, and the world seemed a little less special. Still a bit special, cuz its 09-09-09, but not AS special.

I've just got off my dinner break, and I could just curl up and fall asleep under my desk. We had a bit of rogue sunshine and no wind, so as i sat outside on the bench in the garden, it was toasty warm and sunny. Now I'm full and warm, and my little eyes want to close. Well, as full as i can be on my salad that i had for dinner. I feel a bit bloated and technically 'full', but its not what I'd call the satisfied feeling that you get after a good hearty meal. But I'll have to get used to it, its the way its going to be from now on.

I'm also pretty tired because it was another sleepless night due to the Great English Insect Invasion. This time it was a moth. I'm not actually scared of moths. In fact, with a couple of drinks inside me i have been known to capture one in my bare hands and spirit it away outside. I don't like them fluttering round my face, but i was quite happy to sleep in the room without feeling the need to get rid of it. They aren't exactly going to cause much trouble with their paper like wings and their proboscis. So I settled down to sleep with the moth happily bumbling around on the ceiling. The problem was, I am still in a jumpy spider mood, so as i was dropping off and my grip on reality started to drift away, the flutterings of the moth transformed into the scrabblings of a spider under my bed. Quite a few times I snapped into a semi-consciousness, where i knew i was awake, but i still believed my dreams to be real. So i was checking under my bed, convinced there was a spider under there, and at one point, i thought that a giant one was in my wardrobe because ''that's where they kept them and that's what happened when there were moths.''. Very odd and vague dream. So eventually i had to get rid of the moth, not because it was a moth, but because it was playing havoc with my paranoia with its relentless buffeting of the ceiling. I was a massive one too, so it was making quite a racket. I tried to capture it under a glass, but it was too high and fluttery, and i was still jumpy. So i resorted to spraying it with an aerosol. Sure Anti-perspirant, to be precise. All that did was seem to make it panic and spaz about even more erratically. Eventually, it disappeared somewhere, and didn't reappear, and i could get back to my now-bound-to-be disjointed and broken sleep. This morning I found in sleeping in a pile of clothes, so i scooped it up and put it out of the window to beeee freee. See how kind i am when it doesn't sneak about then jump out on me??

Off to J's tonight to watch some TV, and relax before doing three days at the shop. Probably should do some work now. Yes. Definitely should do that.

I meant to post this yesterday....

2009-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

After a good nights sleep following The Spider Incident (with lights on and bed pulled away form the wall) I feel cheerier, and day three of my new office environment is still quite upbeat. My rubber band ball constructed from the secret bounty of rubber bands is now complete.

It's not quite as big as i thought it was going to be, but never mind. I suppose i can build it up as i come across more rubber bands.

I'm supposed to be working furiously, but i thought I'd have a little breather to blog. Not much to report really. The receptionist I'm working with is a lovely lad with tousled Heath Ledger hair. I'm on a fruit and veg only diet. I discovered a really old guillotine with a swooshy blade instead of a modern side to side blade. Works a treat.

Am off to the pub tonight, to do the quiz with the ever suspicious quiz master. Not going to drive as its looking to be a nice warm evening, and so i won't get rained on there or back. So i can drink some lovely, life giving Strongbow, to celebrate being over with the first third of my working week.

Am thinking of bringing a plant into work. I'm thinking a sunflower, that i can grow from a tiny seed, and then prop up on the wall. At about half past three every day, I get a tiny strip of sun slicing across my desk for about half an hour before the sun disappears behind the trees opposite. If i position it there, it will get lots of photosynthesising done. Its either that or bring in my new sunshine buddy.

He nods his head from side to side when the sun comes out cuz he is solar powered. But i kinda want to keep him at home. He's so cute! J saw one at his mates house when we went over one afternoon, and really wanted one, so i took on the epic task of locating one on eBay. Not easy. They aren't as common as i thought they were! But yeah, finally found one, and though i might as well order two to save on postage, but the seller stitched me up by selling one in dollars and one in pounds, and when i tried to contact her about combining postage, she didn't reply, and so i ended up paying two sets of postage. Thieving git. But still, he does cheer me up when i see him nodding and smiling away!

It's the most wonderful time of the year.....

2009-09-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, avid reader(s), it's that glorious time of year again. What time is that? You ask. The time when all the little chilblains pack up there new highlighters and don their shiny new shoes and head off for a brand new year at school? Yes, but it's not what I'm thinking of. The time when all the trees take on a beautiful orange hue, and the air starts to turn clear and crisp? Again, close, but no cigar.

It's that time of year, ladies and gentlemen, that is cruel and unusual. It is that time like no other that leaves me in a constant state of paranoia, fear, and slight clamminess due to the involuntary sweating.

It is, of course, the time of year that the spiders of Ye Olde Englande have spent the summer fattening up, growing to unreasonably gargantuan proportions, and then finding that as soon as the weather gets a bit wet and chilly, that they can't possibly cope with living outside anymore, and find convenient lodgings in these nice, warm and dry places we call 'houses'. Places that we have built with our own hands, for our own use, the spiders suddenly think they have every right to squat in our homes. We don't go and gatecrash their webs, do we? Move on in without an invitation, hiding in corners and leaping out to scare them? No, we do not, for we are noble and honest and so very English and polite. It's just not the done thing. But they just waltz in, without so much as a hello, or a 'do you mind?'. I'm sure a lot of people don't mind spiders, but it would be nice if those of use that have a morbid fear of their mandibles and massively long spindly legs could have the choice whether our greatest fear invades our homes.

I was sat in bed, minding my own business, designing rings for the Valentine Show, and making quite good progress, when about two foot away from my head, the biggest, ugliest mandiblest brown house spider saunters out from behind my radiator. Obviously after about ten seconds of stunned horror and whimpering, I decide that I will have to tackle the beast alone and by myself, as it was about half past midnight, and the other occupants of the house were asleep. Probably for the best, they aren't sympathetic to my fear. The thought did occur that if i had fallen asleep, this monstrous atrocity would have carried on regardless, probably crawling onto me, and would still be at large in my room, with me unaware of it's diabolical intentions. So being still awake to witness it was probably a blessing in disguise. Still, it meant that i had to dispose of the little fecker. I grabbed what i had to hand without taking my eyes off it, and that happened to be my stetchbook. Then, in a calculated manoeuvre, i launched the sketchbook at the wall, hoping to slam it onto the spawn of Satan. No such luck. Due to a moment of hesitation and the edge of the sketchbook catching on the radiator, the vile creature dropped down the back of the radiator. Which also meant it was now under my bed. And i have a lot of gubbage under my bed.

So, while the sadistic arachnid was recovering from its tumble, i had whipped the bed away from the wall. On the plus side, i found the hoodie that i lost a couple of weeks ago. On the minus side, this was where the spider was now hiding. I got a ruler and prodded the hoodie. Nothing. Prodded again. Nothing. I was just starting to think the worst, that the spid-face had gotten the jump on me and had already bombed under the bed, when i moved the hoodie slightly and the sneaky bugger dashed out. I grabbed a glass and while i was scrabbling to trap it, it sped under the bed, into the conglomeration of items that reside under there. Bugger.

Now, i had options. I could admit defeat, gather up my duvet that may or may not have other spiders in it and go and sleep downstairs, or i could persevere and slay the beast with scant regard for my own personal safety. Now, the first option sounded tempting, but there were drawbacks. Firstly, we have exposed floorboards at the moment, cuz we are decorating, and the floorboards have gaps. These potentially held yet more evil spiders. Secondly, if i let the spider go, my room would forever be contaminated, with each and every item holding a possible spider attack. If i left now, there was no going back. I would have to go in after it.

You may think this is a tad overkill for a relatively small animal, but considering that in my head, a spider is capable of latching onto you, running up your body and burrowing into your brain to either kill you or to operate you like a giant puppet, it seemed perfectly necessary. I'm not sure exactly what it is that freaks me out so much, but i know that i can look at them when they are still, but as soon as they move, i panic. Sad, but unfortunately true, so i have to work around this fact. Also, due to an experience a couple of years ago around the same time of year, when i captured one, and then another one appeared and escaped behind my bookshelves, I'm convinced there's more than one. So everything is treated with suspicion, including my duvet, pillow and anything that was anywhere near where the spider was when it appeared. I end up spending the night in a state of rigid tenseness and rapt attention, until my mind blocks out the horror and i can function normally again. You see, if i haven't seen a spider, there are none there, even in my shed or the garage, but as soon as I've seen one, in my head they are everywhere. So it would be impossible for me to just leave one. That's madness. Madness on an incarcerational scale.

So, back to the tale of bravery and terror. I crouch down, and shine my bedside lamp under my bed. I start to nudge things, in the hope it will run out into a convenient space where i can trap it under the glass i had. I do this for some time, thinking that the longer that time goes on, the bigger the radius is for possible locations for the spider. It is not a good thought. My toes are exposed, and i was on the floor, where it could attack at will. I stayed in this position for several minutes, locked in a stalemate of not wanting to actually get under the bed, and not wanting to walk away, when the little bastard cracked. I saw him creep out and stand in the most inconvenient place, behind my bed head. This was crucial. One wrong move now, and it could run back under the bed and return to the previous dilemma. I pulled the bed further out, and got into position with my glass. Easy does it. It twitches. I leap back three feet. I strike, and i win! Spider safely under glass. Ha! Though even though it is captured, it still looks imposing and like it could smash through the glass and bite my arm off at any moment. I stop and catch my breath for a moment, before attempting the delicate procedure of sliding a piece of card under the glass. I now have the unfortunate situation of being in possession of a massive live spider, that i have no idea what to do with. I'm not releasing it, it will just come back, and I can't splat it, as its so big i would be mopping up spider innards. I do the only thing i can think of, and take it into the bathroom. At least if i put it in the bath and it escapes the glassy prison, it won't escape the bath. I then squished the fecker with the glass. It may have been my riled nerves or imagination, but i swear the crunch reverberated up my arm. I then washed it's sorry remains down the plug hole.

After such a harrowing experience, i took to my bed, with the light on and staring madly around me, ready for another attack. It took me about half an hour to trust that my duvet wasn't teeming with similar nasty creatures, and then i kept waking up every hour or so in a dazed paranoia that there was another one. Then, this morning, i had to retrieve my sketchbook that was wedged behind the radiator. That was a jumpy time.

I'm now knackered, with jangled nerves and keep jumping at anything spindly, like thread, or tomato stalks, or hair.

Or, to cut a long story short;

Me - 1
Spider - 0

Sunday Fun

2009-09-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

Oooooh, told you that Friday and Saturday would be a challenge didn't i? Friday night i came home straight from work and immediately went out with J, and Saturday i went straight out to a meeting about the Valentines exhibition, then onto J's house.

But, I'm back now, and we can chat.

Friday was fun, J and i went to the pub for about 6pm, and were absolutely trollied but about nine. Well, it started out civil, with pints of beverages, then he started ordering Korky's shots and after that things just got silly. But good silly.

My meeting about the Valentine's exhibition was good too. I was quite apprehensive about it, because I'm not a spontaneously chatty people person, and I am a master of the unintentional awkward silence. I have also not seen these people for about two years, since we left uni, and i thought it would be weird, but no, it was great. I parked my car in a pay and display car park, thinking two hours would be enough (and expensive enough, the next block of payment was £4.20 for up to four hours - they can sod right off) but two hours flew by! Every one seems to be doing some great things, and they liked my poison rings, so I've got a positive feeling about the whole thing. Groovy.

Also, I don't know if you have seen Dragon's Den, or the overseas equivalent if you indeed live overseas, but to be honest the point I'm about to make doesn't really hinge on whether you've seen it of not. Its just that the presenter of the UK Dragons den seems to be a real live Troll Doll.

Evan Davis, we know who you are.

Rumbled.

Diary of a Slattern

2009-09-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I got two of the things on my list done tonight. Find comedy childhood photos. Check. Sit in shed for a while and contemplate making jewellery before bashing a bit of metal and then coming to the conclusion to design a bit more first. Check. Tidy room. Nooooooooooooooooo.

Urgh, why am I so untidy?? My room is too small for such wanton casting of items hither and thither. I think I'm just a lazy arse. Seriously, I'm sat on the floor in front of my computer at the moment cuz my chair is full of stuff. I'm also sat ON a load of stuff. Dirty pig.

Still no pictures from yesterday, but i do have pics of the kinky ducks -

Weird.

And I've also changed direction for my Valentines jewellery. I was going to make jewellery based around some pebbles i found on the beach a while back that were peppered with holes and looked kinda cool, but now I'm making heart and rose themed poison rings and pendants. I am determined not to change my mind again now, as i did this in uni and that's why i didn't have very long to do my work and it was shit. I changed it this time because i didn't get any holey pebbles at the seaside yesterday, and i already have some poison rings half made. Cheating a bit, but i don't really care....

Probably should attempt to tidy my room now, as J is coming over tomorrow night and he's a bit disgusted at my innate untidy nature. He manages to be naturally tidy and I'm a clumsy spaz, constantly knocking over his stuff and generally being messy. You'd think he'd be used to it by now. He's got a lot to learn, that lad. Or maybe he'll keep me in a cage with an exercise wheel and a drippy water bottle and only let me out for brief periods so he can limit the amount of mess i make. Or I'll learn to be tidy.

Hahahahahahhahahahah no *wipes away a tear of mirth* no, i can't bank on those million to one odds! Yeah, I should really go and tidy now.

Day at the Seaside!

2009-09-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

I am so tired! Just got back from a day out to celebrate my little brother's 18th birthday. We went to Scarborough for the day (seaside place with much tat and fish and chips) and then came back and had an Indian. Am tired and stuffed to the gills.

Scarborough was fun, though i we were halfway there and i realised that i had left my memory card for my camera in the little slot in my computer - dammit! So when we got there i looked into buying a new one, but the cheapest was bout £20, so i thought 'Cha! I'm not paying that!' and promptly hijacked my Dad's camera for the day. Though sadly, as he has now gone home with his camera, i cannot share the glorious pics with you today. Had a fun day though. Went on those two pence slot machines and won a little pot duck dressed as a sailor, and a little pot duck dressed as a nun (?). I think the manufacturers of the cheap tat were trying to create some sort of kinky duck based sex fantasy. There was a skeleton duck which i really wanted, but the only winnable ones on the edge of the coins were the sailors and nuns, and i didn't really want more than one of each. I also put about four pounds into one of those cuddly toy grabby machines, that are a complete swiz. Loads of times i grabbed the toy, only for the jaws of the grabby thing to open and drop it. Cheating buggers. It was a really cute cuddly toy as well, it was one of those blue nosed bears dressed as a badger, with a five pound note sellotaped to it. But no, I had to walk away before i put all my money and patience into it. I did manage to completely mess up the display by lifting up the bears and dropping them again. Ha to them, they had to come and set them out neatly again! HAHA!

So then i had a little sleepy in the car on the way home, and then we went out for the Indian. Mmmmmmm, very filling, though it's now a couple of hours since and it all seems to have disappeared from my stomach. Weird.

Got quite a bit to do tomorrow as well. I'm at work all day, then in the evening i need to tidy my room, find some old photos of me in my youth for chuckling over with J , and make a ring for my Valentine collection. I've got a meeting on Saturday to discuss the exhibition, and I'm kinda nervous about it, cuz its my uni classmates and i haven't seen them since uni, and 1. I'm no good at talking to people anyway, and i didn't really speak to them in uni and 2. they have been doing allsorts with their jewellery making careers and I've basically sold a few bits on Etsy and worked in an office for two years. Impressive. But anyway, I'll worry about that on Saturday. Until then, my 'Get thin for Halloween' diet is not working at all, as I've had loads to eat and managed to actually put on weight. Boo to everything. I think my motivation for losing weight just doesn't outweight the niceness of food. Grrr, if only they would hurry up and make an effective appetite suppressant, we could all get on with our lives.

Throwing Down the Challenge

2009-09-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that I have not been posting with a discipline driven regularity, and would like to take this month to rectify this terrible imbalance. Therefore i plan to post every day for a month, then hopefully i will have got into the habit of posting more. So, readers, come with me now and plunge headfirst into what is my extremely dull and mediocre life....

Today seemed the best day to start this, as it's a brand new shiny month, and it just so happens I've moved offices at work, and now I'm in a private little corner where i can surreptitiously blog to my heart's content. There's also that 'back to school' vibe going on, which is especially nice as I'm not going back to school! I always did love getting new stationary.

I started the day by connecting up my computer, then set about bringing all my stuff from my old office to this one. It's a bit ridiculous really, the office i was previously occupying used to be a coffee lounge until about three years ago (what's wrong with a tea lounge??), when the coffee lounge was moved upstairs and it was made into an office. Now, for some reason, after three years or so, people have decided that they want their coffee lounge back. Madness. So I've been shunted to the back of Reception, where, like at this instant, when the receptionist goes walkabout and the phone rings, I'm obliged to answer it. I try to resist the impulse. But yeah, on the whole, its a nice little place to work. No one can see my computer screen, i have better mobile phone signal and i can generally waft about getting on with my own work and watch other people getting fraught and worried about things that have nothing to do with me. I've suitably arranged my desk with a series of mascots, such as my origami penguin collection, and my most recent acquisition of a really groovy MarioKart toy of Yoshi. I'm the height of cool....

I've also found the resting place of the worlds largest consignment of rubberbands, in my top drawer of my new desk. I don't think anyone knows they are here, so they will soon be fashioned into a massive rubber band ball of epic proportions. Watch this space....

In fact, I've got quite a lot to do that my actual work will get in the way of. I've got blog posts to write, Facebook to look at, the rubber band ball to construct. I might even bring a plant in and meticulously care for that, monitor its growth, etc. Ooooh, maybe a sunflower....

Seems a shame that i only work here two days a week now! Though I'm sure that will wear off quickly. Though i might bump it up to three days, and three days working at the jewellery shop, so I'm pulling a six day week. Might be worth it, as this job ends in December (supposedly) so i could do with the dosh. Also, seeing as I am working three days a week at the shop, that means no internet access while I'm there, so I will have to put extra effort in to getting a post done. Monday will be ok, as will Tuesday and Wednesday, cuz I'm working here, though Tuesday evening i see my best mate and Wednesday night I see J, Thursday I can post in the evening, but Friday I go straight from the shop to see J, ditto Saturday. Sunday is ok, but i might have to cram a week.s worth of other activites into Sunday. Other than that, I've got jewellery to make for a Valentine's exhibition, a halloween costume to finish, and various paintings that i want to do. Add to that general chores like washing and tidying, cleaning out my piggies, oh, and throw in showering, eating and sleeping. Though I suppose I can take the time i spend/waste playing bejewelled blitz on Facebook to do some stuff. It's quite sad, I'm getting rather good at it.

So thats it, a post a day til October. Kinda like that MoFoBlows, but, you know, just me and not a bunch of conformists. Nothing ever happens in November anyway.

Oh, and while I've been busily not blogging, J and I celebrated a year of going out. I say celebrated, I mentioned it once or twice, we never mentioned it again and we had a chinese. Romantic. But year, A year ago since i was accosted by a bloke that i couldnt remember. Aaaaaah memories!

Work in Progess

2009-08-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm getting on quite well with my dress, though its a long way from finished. I've still got a lot to do to it, but I've got the basic corset and skirt done.

Strange that i can work with such dedication on something that isn't going to earn me a penny, but when it comes to designing my Valentine jewellery, I have complete creative block. Hey ho. I'm sure I'll think of something eventually....

Probably on February 15th.

The wanderer wanders in

2009-08-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a while hasn't it? I start up my blog again with full intentions of writing down every detail of my life, and then i go and apparently do nothing for weeks. Well, I'm not doing nothing, I've discovered Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook. And, if i do say so myself, I'm pretty damned good at it. Shame it contributes nothing to my life in general, or indeed, in specific. I'm just wasting hours of my life, matching up jewels. Dear lord.

Not been up to much spectacular recently. I've had the last two Saturdays off from the jewellery shop, and had many, many plans, but then J developed a really painful back (doctors haven't done anything, just given him very powerful painkillers and time off work) so I have spent the last two weekends laying on his bed, watching TV, eating, drinking and getting high. Which is all very nice but i wanted to go to the seaside. But i SUPPOSE i can't blame him for having a bad back really ... can i? No.... S'pose that would be mean.

And I've got a few creative projects in the pipeline. I've been making my Halloween costume (Alice in Wonderland, but a bit gothy), and I've sorted the corset out, I just need to make the skirt and the apron. Yes, it is going to be a slightly more risque Alice, but not as slutty as some of the pre-made Alice costumes. Speaking of which, every costume shop or anything seems to have the same trend. Men get a choice of many costumes, ranging from cowboys to full on Scooby Doo, perhaps via various uniforms and 'hilarious' things like sumo wrestlers. Women get slutty schoolgirl, slutty cat, slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl... even a slutty nun. Apparently, the only women interested in fancy dress are anorexic strippers. An interesting factoid, I'll log that away.

I've also agreed to do a jewellery exhibition on the two weeks running up to Valentine's Day. It was only AFTER i agreed to do this and started trying to design something Valentinesque that i realised I'm shit at designing and can't think of anything remotely good. I don't really want to go down the heart shape route, but what else is there? I thought lockets, but I'm not good enough to make hinges. I also have decided not to buy any more materials, I've got to use what I've already got, seeing as my previous pieces of jewellery haven't really sold, and now I've just got a load of jewellery sat not going anywhere, but that cost me time and money to make. So I'm not buying more stuff til I sell some! But i can't think what says 'Love' other than a heart. I keep going round and round in circles, more and more convinced I'm crap. Yay for me.

Time to get back to designing, I'm going to wring my brain out to try and eek out a good idea. I may burst a blood vessel.

Random Stuff I've Seen That I'm Now Foisting* Upon You

2009-07-12T16:32:00.001-07:00

* To those not in the know, here's the dictionary definition;

Foist - to force onto another; "He foisted his work on me"

Alternative usage - ''She foisted her gibberish on me''

A quick update on the smelly moisturiser situation - J said i ''smelled like one of his aunts''. I had a baby wipe scrub. I still got action. I threw the moisturiser away.

Over to the main part of the post.

Over the years, I have seen many things worthy of a quick photo for comedy reasons. Usually, to my eternal regret, I did not have a camera to hand, and so the moment was lost forever. However, with the miraculous invention that is the camera phone, i can rectify this terrible injustice, and lo, there will be odd pictures. Usually i can go ages without seeing these things, but recently there has been a glut of random things. I will share a few of them, if i may.

Firstly, there was this sign on the floor in from of a cash machine. I haven't seen any other cash machine with them, so they are by no means a standard thing. It makes me wonder just how far people are going to go before they start designating other areas of pavement, f'rinstance a section for walking, and a section for loitering. Whatever happened to just a simple ''Shield you PIN'' sign?? No, you've got to get out of my privicy area! Don't crowd the machine!

Secondly, we have one of my pet hates - misspelling. This note has been hanging around my work for ages, blatantly showing off not only its complete disregard for spelling, but also betraying the author's total obliviousness to the concept of the spell checker. Though I must admit, three separate misspellings in one word. Must be some kind of record. Its one 'c'offee and two 's'ugars in 'necessary', you spastic! Obviously, i couldn't bear it anymore, and got out my teacher's red pen. Call me nit picky if you like, but i don't care. I can't hear you.

Finally, on my short ''odd things'' list, i have a friend who can lick his own elbow. If you are a reader of email forwards, you may know that it is claimed that it is impossible to lick one's own elbow. Seems my chum has proved them wrong.

I'll wait a minute until you've stopped trying to lick your own elbow. You won't be able to. He is special.

Tune in tomorrow for my complete bafflement of a penguin tea maker. It sounds amazing beyond belief. It's not.

Transformation into Grumpy Old Lady - Complete

2009-07-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

Before we get round to business, why not sit down, get comfortable, take one of the special biscuits I've put on the coffee table for your enjoyment. They aren't an ornament, I don't use plates of biscuits as decoration. I'm just not that kind of person. Take one. TAKE IT! Oooh, a pink wafer, good choice. Now have this very weak cup of tea with full fat milk in a thin china cup with pointy handles and a tasteless floral pattern.

I tried a new body moisturiser today. As a rule, i don't use body moisturiser. It's an extra thing that i don't need in my cleansing routine, what with my excessive amount of hair that needs drying and my almost poetic amount of idleness. Also, I don't see the point of cleaning yourself to whistle standards, then slathering yourself in gloop that will make you dirty immediately. I do have a big bottle of a nice almondy smelling one, but i tend to reserve that for ~~special occasions~~ times when i kid myself that i can get body-wide silky soft skin in one application of lotion. And when i can be bothered.

But this new moisturiser, I thought I'd give it a try. It is one of those ones that build up into a light tan. It's Dove Summer Glow Body Lotion, but i don't know why you would want to know that, this isn't a recommendation. Actually, You do need to know, so you don't make the mistake of buying it. I was lured into the trap by a severely reduced price tag, which should have started alarm bells ringing, but seeing as i was in 'cheap products' mode at Wilkinsons (great shop) after buying my usual 99p shower gel and 38p cotton buds, i wasn't in the right frame of mind. I had been toying with the idea of trying these tanning moisturisers for a while, because my body is not only so white it looks translucent, but I have been wearing summery strappy tops in the sun and now have a rather unattractive jigsaw tan effect. I don't like the idea of full on fake tan, so tinted moisturiser seemed a good compromise. And this Dove stuff was reduced from about £4 to about £1.50, so in the basket it went. I put it on this morning after my shower, and i don't know what they were thinking, but the smell is enough for me to never use it again. If i have to sit here, smelling like this day after day just to build up a tan, I think I'll stay jigsaw coloured. It's a kind of mix of old lady and warm, nearly rancid food. A sickly sweet smell that gets in your nose and gives you a bit of a headache behind your eyes. Urgh. I've just read a few reviews of it on some website, and someone said that it smelled a bit tutti frutti. Has she never smelled tutti frutti? Maybe tutti frutti that had gone off in the corridors of a residential home for the elderly. A nice, fruity, zesty smell, i could work with, in fact, i choose my shampoos etc only on the smell. Herbal Essences and Garnier Fructis are particular winners. But now I'm sat here, smelling of old lady. J is coming over tonight, and I have no time to shower before we go out. And I'm sure he will comment as he doesn't like perfumes or strong smelling things anyway. He said my treasured DKNY Be Delicious smelled of ''gone off melons''. Gotta give him full marks for being specific, if not for tact. It wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't been wearing it at the time. Ah well. No action for me tonight then, toting my Eau du Mildred et Decay Chaud.

Classy.

To top it all, I wanted wavy hair tonight, so I've twisted my hair into two knots on the top of my head, a la Mrs Lovett, but i just look like a nutty church member that's gone a bit mad and wears oversized knitted cardigans in garish colours. Just sooooo sexy.

I wonder when i get my free bus pass....

Epic Sunday

2009-07-07T01:09:00.000-07:00

Best day ever on Sunday! I've been quite shoddy with my posting, but I'll rectify that here and now!

So anyway, Sunday.

Last Tuesday, when we were being barked at for using mobile phones during the quiz (fascists), one of my friends mentioned about her hayfever, so i suggested going to a little place near where we live to get some hayfever pollen tablets. Its a place that had its own bee hives and so makes honey, hayfever pollen capsules and many other bee related things. I wanted also to see if they would be interested in buying any of my bee jewellery. I also said ''hey, we could then go for a picnic in Chatsworth!'' (massive stately home nearby, with huge grounds with a river and deer), so the plan was set, and we continued to get drunk and shouted at for getting text messages.

Come Sunday, i picked everyone up in my teeny Micra (Frank) and headed off to the Bee place. We thought it would be quite a biggish tourist thing, as it is well promoted and well known. But we nearly drove past the entrance, and then when we went in, we were sure it was just someone's house. Turned out that it was owned by an eccentric middle aged woman, with make-up like Barbara Cartland (big blue eyeshadow and big red lipstick), who ''didn't need the money, it's all donated to charity, this is my passion''. We walked about ten metres down the garden, where she told us that we couldn't go any further because the bees were being ''fussy madams'' and that she had been stung over one hundred times on her face yesterday. To be honest, I thought she was fibbing as I'm sure if this was true, she'd have a big bulbous swelled up head, and this wasn't the case. We then went into the bee shop, which was basically a little shed with shelves and shelves of bees related products.

Such as;

Jars of pollen collected off the bees legs, which according to Babs you can live on with nothing else in your diet, and there's an experiment somewhere with rats where the seventh generation of rats were living on only pollen....

A jar of giant hornet honey with a giant, two inch long hornet in it, where the ingredients were listed as ''Giant Hornet Honey; Giant Hornet''

Hayfever pills which you have to take about five of every morning from March to get the full effect

An antibacterial spray that she has sold to Virgin Airlines to spray around the cabins to stop passengers getting TB

plus soaps, candles, bee related tat, honey of many kinds and various ointments. To say we weren't there very long, it was a very rich visit as she was quite clearly a little bit bonkers. Many quoteable lines were taken from that visit, like ''The middle of the ambulance was shitted up!'' and ''You can't take everything, or else they will die!''. A class visit.

Then we poddled off, fully educated about the importance of bees, and went to Chatsworth for our picnic. I rather overbought on food, and only ate about a third of it, but I always say that its better that way than have not enough! It was very pleasant, we had a tartan cloth to sit on, and at one point, a woman walked past with a spaniel puppy that was teeny tiny! Soooo cute! I stole a cuddle and suggested swapping it for a bread roll, which was about the same size, but the woman said that that wouldn't be a very good deal, especially if you weren't hungry. Fair play.

We then went for a paddle in the river, and started feeding some ducks, and before long, they were clambering over my feet and taking the bread straight out of my hand. Good job i did over buy on the bread, otherwise we wouldn't have had the fun of feeding the v cute ducks!

Nom nom nom....

After much fun and larks, we headed back home, and later went to the pub for the Sunday quiz. Strangely, cuz we don't normally go on a Sunday, he didn't have his usual rant about mobile phones. We still didn't win. But much merriment was had. After that we went to the newly built playground in the park next to the pub, and had lots of fun drunkenly trying out the new toys, such as the birthing see-saw...

the sex swing.....

and the basket swing.

And they had a zip line, which is so much better when there isn't a massive queue to wait for one poxy go! When I'm grown up, I'm going to get a massively long one, and it will be amazing!! I can't possibly have children. I'm planning on having a garden full of swings and what-have-you all for me!

So yeah, it was a tremendous day. I wish every day was that much fun!

Office Party

2009-06-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again, alone in the office. In the interest of not going out of my mind, I might liven the place up and have a bit of an office shin dig. I've got a veritable feast of Chewits, a pack of Fruit Salad sweets, a punnet of cherries, two kinder Hippos, a mandarin Muller Light and a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce. And some of the cherries are particularly shiny.

I've got my mp3 player for some rousing music, with such classics as Boney M and the theme tune from The Family Ness (btw way, while i was tracking down that link, I went on a nostalgic trip round the theme tunes of the 80's. Raggy Dolls Rules. Good times), and i could switch the lights on and off very fast to create a strobe light effect.

So, I think I''l just get a glass of Spar summer fruits squash and a paper plate, and get mingling.

Oooh, one of my work friends has just brought me a bottle of wine to say thank you for giving her some lifts to work. This could really make the party pop if it weren't for the fact I have to drive home. Booo. Though I've nearly eaten all these cherries now, they could be fermenting in my stomach as we speak, creating a kind of.... er, what alcohol does cherries make? It's not vodka and cherry coke... *looks it up on google* ....some kind of cherry brandy, apparently, though there are cherry wines, whisky and various cherry liqueurs. Mmmm, lovely. I wonder if there's anything in the handbook about constructing a rudimentary distillery under my desk, to create a cherry, chewit and kinder hippo beverage and the prohibition thereof. Though if i was in the mood for building anything questionable under my desk, it would be a bed so i could sleep the dullness away, and be up at night, ready for action. Well, not action, really, but able to function. I've got a painting stood in my room that I've been working on for ages now, mainly because I'm too tired to start doing it after work. I made the mistake of laying down yesterday for a second, and immediately fell asleep. Then when i woke up i felt all out of sorts because I'd had a random sleepie.

I'm making triangles out of the Chewit wrappers now. Its fun, and more dainty than using crisp packets.

Ok, I'm so bored i can't be bothered to eat. That's extreme. I might have to actually do some work. After the conga, of course.

Sneaky Posting Continues....

2009-06-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

It's Monday again, look. Booo. Am alone in the office for a while, so the temptation to save my work until someone is here to observe me doing it is too much, and I've succumbed to Internettage. Am soooo sleepy, was up til three in the morning last night watching the first series of Project Runway on You Tube. Have still got the final to watch. It's so daft. You can really tell where it's been edited, so it's all choppy with very polished voice overs from Heidi Klum when she is supposed to be just talking off-camera. I watched Project Catwalk with Kelly Osbourne a while ago, and her completely wooden presenting style was a treat for both the eyes and ears.

So yeah, watching the final tonight, and hopefully won't get sucked into watching the second series, otherwise I'm going to get nothing done at all ever again. There's about 6 series', so I would be there for quite a while. Yes, i know i could ration it and watch a few a night, but when have i ever been good at restraint? I can't even stop myself eating cheese every time i go in the fridge.

Haven't really got much else to witter on about really, I've got out of the 'is this a blog-worthy event' mindset. Either that or I'll have to do more interesting things with my life!

Being Grumpy is MY job!

2009-06-24T04:23:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's apparently surreal post, here's some reality:

Went to the pub last night, and did the quiz, as is our usual activity. Except i don't know if i want to go anymore, as it's all got a bit hostile. One section of the quiz is where the quiz master reads out six random questions, and if you have got all those questions right, you win the jackpot of £100. Well, about a month ago, me and my chum won it. It was a merry night!! Though, i have to admit, there was heavy usage of Google on my internet phone. Ever since then, then quiz master has stressed that as it's a free quiz, and mobile phone use would not be tolerated. Bitter or what??

Then last night, as he started the quiz, he barked over the mic that it was FREE QUIZ and that using mobile phones was BANNED and that anyone seen using them would have their quiz sheets TORN UP as it wasn't in the spirit of the quiz. The entire time he was spitting out his tirade, he was staring at me in a nasty way. Plus the quiz master (Kevin, pronounces 'funeral' as 'frunral' and says 'follering' instead of 'following') had just had his head shaved which gave him a scary psychopathic look. Unfortunately, my chum has quite a needy boyfriend who was texting her constantly all night, so every time her loud message tone went off, he would yell at us. It was like being at school! Though i don't think he had grasped the concept of internet phones, as i was merrily cheating away, i think he thought we texted people the questions, which would be very time consuming and tedious indeed. But yeah, he was very rude and it's like ''If you offer the prize, you can't get bitter when someone wins it!''. Arse.

Other then that, it's just another boring day at work. There's more then just me and my mum in the office today, so i have to actually work. Which is back cuz its boring, repetitive work, and i end up going into my own head and when i do that i end up going over bad things that have done and gone and past, and get myself worked up and pissed off. Just things like arguments I've had with J, and even though we have resolved it, I end up getting pissed off with what happened all over again. It's mental, and i hate that about myself, but it happens. Mindless cruising of the net helps!! But i can't do it when other people are here.

Though, speaking of J, he's coming over tonight (yay), which will be a good antidote to the crappy day. Its glorious sun and i wish i was out doing something much more exciting. But I'm not. Have to console myself by mentally planning weekends away with him and wondering what I'll dress as for Halloween. Its only four months away, people!! I think I might go as Alice in Wonderland, cuz I can goth that up. Though speaking of which, I was cruising the net for costume ideas, and i found the pics for the up-coming Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland - it looks fab, but at the same time, extremely disturbing!

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter

Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts

I like Johnny's hat. The rest is gloriously scary!

Haha we have go the door to our office open and can hear the builder whistling away on the building site opposite. Most chucklesome!

Excitement of work - Dream Re-enactment!

2009-06-23T03:04:00.000-07:00

Had a weird dream this morning. I say this morning rather than last night, because it was one of those where you wake up early, then go back to sleep, then get woken up in the middle of it again.

I don't remember how it started, but the first thing i remember was sitting in the middle of a field, messing about with very cartoonish looking worms and caterpillars. Then, a perfectly round piece of turf starts to lift up, and an albino mole that looks uncannily like a white guinea pig pokes his head out. I tempt it out with the cartoony worms and moles. Then some chav boys appear, and start making a ruckus. I talk to them, and tell them to shut up, and gesture to the albino mole that is eating the bugs, but it gets scared and runs back down its hole. The next thing I know, I'm on Wisteria Lane, and Edie is in the process of being turned into a vampire. Understandably, she's not happy about it, so we hide in a random house. The random vampire converter appears in the house, and while Edie is struggling to unlock the back door, I distract the bloke (that turns out to be Carl) by saying that he is stood on my toe, and I'm only in my socks, so would he mind not doing? He seems quite apologetic, so we run out and leap off a balcony and get into a van and drive off. Out of nowhere, Carl appears to have acquired a van and is chasing us. At this point it gets a bit odder. Edie kept changing from her into the albino mole and into a yorkshire terrier, and when I went round a corner a bit fast (around some temporary traffic lights.... bloody road works) and rolled the van into a field, I went ''I think I'll do that again'' and re-wound the dream and slowed down enough to make it round the corner. Just before i woke up, I was alternately on foot and in the van, and just as i woke up, i had scooped up the yorkshire terrier and leapt into a roadworks van, telling the driver that he had to help me, but he wasn't having any of it.

Would i have escaped? Can you rewind car crashes? What is the albino mole all about? We will never know, because my mother cruelly woke me up for work by yelling my name. Boo.

Anyway, just done the Radio 2 Pop Master quiz, so now I've got nothing to do til dinner except work, then I've got hours of boredom before i can go home at 6. Obviously there's internet surfage, and listening to the overly cheery birds and the builders outside, but that's not really the fun I look for in an average day.

Though am supposed to be going rollerblading and to the pub to do the quiz tonight with my chum, so that's something.

Pigeon News;
Saw a pretty fat pigeon on my shed today. That is all. Thankyouplease.

EDIT;

Oh my god, i was cruising Google Images for a pic of a white guinea pig, and i found this!!

I knew they ate guinea pigs, but the least they could do was butcher them properly! This looks like deep fried road kill! Poor thing, didn't even take off its feet and head. Nasty. Surely they could make it look a bit more appetising, instead of just plonking it on a plate with two taters. Madness. Imagine if we did that with a cow! ''Here's the Sunday Roast, darling, a deep fried whole cow with two pumpkins on the side.''

I'm sure you could have guinea pig nuggets, or guinea pig strips, or stir fried guinea pig... not just a whole guinea pig. Weirdos.

Covert Blogging Operation

2009-06-22T02:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I've not done very well with the new blogging malarky have i? Bad me. I shall give myself a stern talking to forthwith!

I'm at work at the moment, pretending to work, when in fact I'm just sneakily cruising the net while people are out of the room. I probably wouldn't like me as an employee, given all the evidence of my net based skiving and my general grouchy demeanour. That's probably why when i tried working for myself, I didn't get a whole lot done, other than making fish finger and cheese sandwiches and learning the finer points of Bargain Hunt.

Got to try and lose some weight again, after I've put on all the weight i lost before Download. Really shouldn't have gorged for two weeks, in hindsight. Though i really should try and find a sporting activity that I can keep up, but as everything i find enjoyable involves sitting down (or laying down) it's not looking good. I wouldn't mind finding quite an active job, but as I'm now in the jewellery shop or sitting on my arse all day in an office, I don't think that will happen either. Ideally, I could find an active job that i could work nights, but I don't think there's a massive list of those. Maybe stacking shelves in a supermarket overnight, but its not the most lavishly paid career.....

More later, I'm packing up and leaving work! It's taken me all day to stealthily write this post. I really must get back to rambling!

Download Festival recap!

2009-06-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh.

Got back from the festival yesterday at about 9am, and was so tired i fell asleep almost immediately. Soooo knackered. Also managed to put on about a stone with the unhealthy eating, so that'll be the task for the next couple of weeks - epic fat removal. Though i don't know how i managed to eat so much, most things were about £4.50 for a burger, or a baked tater or anything. Massively expensive. I dread to think how much I've spent.

It was fun though. Not so keen on the toilet facilities, but sitting around drinking and talking all day and having little sleepies when i felt like it was great. Just not happy about going back to work tomorrow - boooo! Though on the plus side, while I'm bored at work might generate some good rambly posts - brucie bonus!

Trying to upload the pics from Download onto my Facebook, but it seems to be taking about a week and a half - yay for very slow wireless!

Ooooh, and here's a pic of Dot and Dash for your reference;

Though Dot looks like a homely housewife and Dash a terrified young slip of a lad. They are both terrified of me, and will probably raise a massive army of birds that are also scared of me, but at least they won't be lonely.

And i hate to end on some sad news, but Fudge was put to sleep on Thursday while I was away. I must say, I shed a little tear, but he was definitely ready to go. RIP Podge-Face.

Births, Death and Marriages (mainly deaths)

2009-06-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

In fact, only deaths, as i don't know anyone that's got married or been born, unless you count the birth of a new blog, but as I'm not of a hippy persuasion, I don't.

Anyway, to recap on whats been happening since my other blog ended, i thought i would start a new one instead of faffing about with the old one. So much has happened, I just thought I'd move on, and start afresh, so here's a quick catch-up on some of the main themes....

Trevor
Sadly Trevor has had to retire and spends most of his life on my shelf surrounded by other pigeon based figurines (yes, I'm that much of a pigeon geek). He was getting to the point where bits of him kept falling off, which I'm sure you can appreciate is quite a distressing thing for a pigeon with quite a simple mind to understand and endure. His spirit still lives on though, with a selection of Fimo replicas and an extensive range of mascots for each holiday/outing.

Diamond Doves
Sadly, a couple of months ago, Speckles, my male diamond dove died, and left my other diamond dove (which i never got round to naming) widowed and alone. To be honest, he was never the most sprightly of birds, and I think he was quite old when my friend bought him and then gave him to me. On the other hand, my female is only a few years old, and they are supposed to live for about 20 years, so I thought it best to find her a friend. So today, I bought her a toyboy, who is a gorgeous white colour, in contrast to her cinnamon brown colour. I make it sound easy that i bought one, but diamond doves aren't that common round here, so i had to search for quite a few weeks and then finally some were advertised in the paper. I then went on a two hour round trip and came home with Mr Male Pigeon Mark II. Having never named the female one, I thought it best to name them as a pair, so now they are Dot and Dash the Diamond Doves. Dot is the lady and Dash is the toyboy. Though talk about me breaking things, I had only had him five mins and he flew smack into the window and made his wing bleed. Daft thing. Apparently his parents are very good breeders, so we may have a few squabs poddling about the place soon!

My kitty cat
Another bit a sad news, my cat Fudge has gone very thin and apparently has a tumour, so he may not last much longer. He is 14 though, not bad for a cat. Poor little chap. Giving him lots of fuss though.

Guinea piggies
Still got my little quartet of cheeky piglets! The youngest is still very skittish, and Sundae continues to get massively fluffy when i don't chop her hair off. Got a bit of worry with Gizmo, who is randomly bleeding and has got bald patches on the side of her tummy, but when i took her to the vet she was baffled, told me to see how she goes, as long as she is eating fine, then charged me 8 quid. Chuh.

My toyboy
Everything is going peachy with my fella, I'm still a cradle robbing spinster! (hooray!)

General stuff an' that
I've finally got a job in a jewellery related field!! I'm working in a jewellery shop where the owner designs and makes commission pieces, plus they do repairs and sell other jewellery, so I really get to have an overview of what goes on! Though it has made me realise how little I know about making n stuff, but still. They are really lovely people, and have two dogs pottering about the workshop, so great!

Big news that I'm looking forward to is that I'm going to Download Festival this year!! A - woo - hooooo!! I'm supposed to be getting everything ready for it at the moment, but I've done a lot of it already, and now I'm too busy creating a new blog. I can see this is going to be my new procrastination tool, rather than Facebook or Dr Mario (a game like tetris, but with coloured capsules and little viruses to obliterate....I'm so addicted!). But yeah, Download! So excited! Its a rock festival, so I've lost 18 pounds and grown my nails really long for maximum impact (though they are making it harder to type). Got glow sticks and everything. There will be mucho drinking. *mini yay!*

So there's a brief catch up for you, I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but I imagine they will come out at some point. I'm back blogging again!! Huzzah!!